


The way you taught me

by thextruth



Category: Sex Education (TV)
Genre: F/M, Post Season 2, Post-Season/Series 02, Sex Education
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:07:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 27,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24972829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thextruth/pseuds/thextruth
Summary: After Gillian said Jean and Jakob are not together at the beginning of season 3 I'm freaking out, so here is my take on a happy relationship and pregnancy.
Relationships: Jean Milburn/Jakob Nyman, jean x jakob - Relationship, jeankob - Relationship
Comments: 11
Kudos: 115





	1. I screwed it

I know that Otis's words aren't empty now, he means it, when he said I am an excellent therapist and mother. As a parent all you wanna hear from your children is that you did a good job and I'm so grateful he said it, I really needed to hear it. But as soon as I tell him that I’m pregnant his behavior will be worse, and this time it won’t be immature, this pregnancy means a complete change of his life, of our life. 

It's been just him and me for many years, and although he’s almost a man now and perhaps he would leave home soon, a new half brother or sister is not something easy to assimilate. I already can hear his questions, - why? Isn't it enough with me? Did you become dependent? Didn't you use protection? Didn't you think about the consequences? What will you do now? - Shit!

My thoughts are stopped by a voice "Jean? Do you hear me?” I raise my eyes to look and I find his crystalline blue eyes looking at me, those eyes that maybe this baby that I now carry might have, those wonderful blue eyes that shine when he smiles, those eyes. Fuck, focus Jean 

"Are you okay?" he asks again

I clear my throat and straighten myself to answer “Jakob? Sorry, what?"

He gives me a half smile and I feel like nothing has happened between us, that we are the same as a few weeks ago, that everything is fine, “What were you thinking?” 

And I know nothing is fine, I can see it in his eyes, that hint of sadness, and I remember that I hurted him and he isn’t well, and that I must tell him what is happening, that my heart is broken because I push him away, and that all I want is to be with him, that I'm a coward and an idiot, hell I wanna say so many things, but the only thing that comes out of my mouth is “I’m pregnant” 

What the fuck is wrong with me? Seriously Jean? I immediately regret it, because his face loses color and his lips open in disbelief and his brow furrows, and I feel my hot face about to explode, I really hate myself right now and I say to myself that I have ruined everything, in another words.

“I’m sorry I.. shit.. Jakob I didn’t… bloody hell” I panic and don't know what to do, he continues to look at me in disbelief and his eyes don't tell me if he is upset or hurt, so I close my eyes and then almost run out looking for my car to go home, there are still a few students and parents around so I slow down before they all turn around looking at me, but before I can reach the stairs I feel his hand holding my arm. I turn to look at him, and although his face is still astonished I know he is trying to process the bomb that I just dropped on him

What will I say next? I can't do this right now! I'm a fucking coward in love, I keep screwing it up. After Remi I promised myself I will never fall for any other man again, they would never be enough time next to me for that to happen, and look at me now, I can't look at him right now, I can't

“Jean, don’t do this, don’t run away again” and I feel tears in my eyes before I can stop them, they are rolling down my cheeks, and then his arms are around me and I melt in his embrace, and some students look at us, but the place is almost empty now, so I hide my face on his chest and I can hear his heartbeat and I feel safe, God I love this man

After a few minutes he takes me to my car and we sit inside in silence, I know he won’t say another word, he’s patiently waiting for me to speak, so I do “I know this sounds illogical and almost impossible, but my doctor says that stranger things have happened and perhaps it is so, I'm not sure. I only know that your vasectomy didn’t work because I swear that I have not had sex with any other man since we started our relationship, even when it ended, I could not. And I wasn't going to tell you like that but when I saw you in front of me it was the only thing that came out of my mouth, but that was not what I was going to say, I wanted to say other things but I don't know what, Fuck!.. What I mean is that you have no responsibility with me or with this baby if you don't want it, I will not force you, I know that I betrayed your trust and broke your heart and at the same time I broke mine and I’m so scared, I haven’t felt like this in a long time and I really don’t know how to have a relationship, I am not a dependent woman, I enjoy my freedom and I know myself well enough to know that I fell in love with you, so I fought against it and it was the worst decision I have made in my life, I tried to see all your flaws to get away from you, but I didn't realize in time that I was hurting you and then I kissed Remi and although it didn't mean anything I had to tell you, I‘m sorry, I really don't know…”

“Jean” he stops me with a smile putting his big hand upon mine “It’s alright, breathe”

And so I do, I breathe. I didn't realize I had talked so much until he stopped me, but I feel relief in my chest, I guess I needed to tell him

“Are you really in love with me?” he says next and I look at him in amazement, of everything I said, the only thing he remembers is that part? “You just said it, but I want to be sure”

And I can’t help it, I smile, a real smile, and he smiles with me, that beautiful smile. But I can’t say those three words, not yet, so I just nod and he nods too, he is a very understanding man and I love him for that, but I can’t tell him, I simply can’t.

He let go of my hand and nods again looking away through the windshield “This was not the conversation I was expecting, but thank you for telling me”, he looks at me again with a serious expression, “I am going to think about everything you told me, I think I need to think about it, okay?”

I nod without hesitation, I know I just changed his life with this conversation and we both need time to assimilate it and think about what we are going to do

He opens the door and before getting off he looks at me again with a half smile "bye Jean, drive carefully"

I wasn't expecting a different reaction, to tell the truth, I thought it would be much worse, so I start the car and with a final half smile I drive home, he doesn't move so I can see him in the rearview mirror until I lose sight of him by the trees and I wonder if he can drive his car again, or was Ola around waiting? Is he going to walk? Should I go back? No, I can't go back, he asked for time and that's the least I can do for him right now. So I drive home trusting that he'll call later and then we will be able to tell the kids.


	2. The beginning

I feel drained, completely exhausted, I felt it immediately got home, it was a long day. I don't know if I should wait for Otis, I just wanna go to bed, I thought he would be here when I got home, but everything was dark. I made some tea, went upstairs and took off my dress, now I'm trying to watch TV but without success, I can't concentrate, my mind is with Jakob, he must be so confused, I wish I knew what he's thinking right now.

A door is closed and I almost jump "Hi mom" he says before I can see him.

"Hello darling!" I say turning to look at him

"Were you able to speak with Jakob?" 

What? Talk with… oh wait! Right! Shit I'm so nervous I can't even think straight "Yes, I did" I say with a shaky voice

He nods looking to the stairs "ok, good, night mom"

"Wait…" I want to tell him, I really want to, but there's something in his eyes, he looks, sad? I can't tell, but he just wanna go to his bedroom, same as I, so no questions or conversations tonight "Alright darling, good night" He nods again and goes upstairs

I wish he could talk with me as we used to, just like he said this morning, I wish he told me what the hell is going on with his life, what happened with Ola?, is there some other girl? God I wish so many things, everything gets complicated when children grow up, and I'm not even sure if I can do that again

I haven't even taken the time to think properly about this pregnancy, what it means to me, not to Jakob and his daughters or to Otis, but to me. I am the one who is going to carry this child, I am the one who is going to take care of it and nurture it. God! The last time I did it I was almost 17 years younger. I am at the threshold of 50 years, can I really do it? Can I really be a mother again? Can I carry this baby to term? I don't have the answers to anything. 

Wait, what? Of course I can carry this baby, it is my baby, my body, my decision. I couldn't not love this baby, I couldn't, and I certainly don’t need Jakob to raise this child, I did a pretty good job with Otis, he's just an annoying teenager, but he is a good man, he's caring and responsible, I can fucking do it. 

But to tell the truth I want him by my side, Jakob I mean, he is also a very good man, and a great father as far as I have seen, so I really hope we can work this out.

My thoughts are interrupted again by the buzzing of my phone - Jakob calling - speaking of the devil

“Hello Jakob"

There's a pause, he almost whispers "Hi Jean, how are you doing?"

How am I doing? I'm not sure "I'm good, and you?'

"Well, I'm not sure, but I think I'm going to be just fine"

"I'm glad"

"Listen Jean, I was just wondering if we can talk tomorrow, maybe in the early morning? Before your clients and my job"

Well, this is what you wanted Jean "Of course"

"Good, ok… I'll see you tomorrow"

"Ok… bye" That's it, it wasn't that hard, Right? We can have a good conversation tomorrow

Now I can go to sleep, wait no, I'm actually really hungry, so I make a sandwich with some tea and then I go upstairs, Otis' light is still on but I let it be, it is better if I figure things out with Jakob first and then Otis, and then all the rest.

The next morning I wake up early feeling like shit, I don't know if it's physiological, but I think the morning sickness just kicked in, and I lost my late night sandwich inside the toilet. Jesus! This is the worst part about being pregnant, it's exhausting and disgusting for so many reasons, just wait till the third trimester.

When I finally go downstairs Otis is almost ready to leave "Morning mom"

"Good morning darling, need a lift?" - Please say no -

"No. I'm fine, Eric is already here" he gets his backpack while eating a toast "there's coffee ready for you and some toasts, see you later"

"Ok, thank you, have a good day" He closes the door before I can even finish, and I'm glad he didn't look at me closely, because I probably look like shit

Coffee is not a choice, so tea it is, with some crackers that won't make me sick again, once is enough per day, but I must say that toast really looks good. When I sit at the table there is a knock on the door and my heart beats. What an early riser, I thought he would give me one more hour at least.

“Hello” I say casually, I don't want him to see that this conversation makes me nervous

“Hi Jean” he says looking quite nervous, rocking a little on the soles of his feet and with his hands crossed in front 

I move away from the door a little so that he can come in freely and close it behind us, no words needed, or maybe it's what I think, after all, the real conversation comes next

He stays in the hallway but I really need to eat something, so I continue to the kitchen and he follows. He stares at my cookies and shakes his head "I suppose that's not the only thing you're going to eat?"

I have some tea and then look at him in surprise "Well, I guess so, if I don't want to have to empty the contents of my stomach, again"

He nods in understanding “A teaspoon of ginger juice may help, or chewing some fresh mint leaves” he offers

I look at him skeptically and nod “Thanks, I might buy some of those later, it’s just starting”

He pulls a chair out and sits next to me, then turns to look at me and his eyes are bluer than ever, maybe it's the way he is looking at me, like he wants to see my soul

“Jean, I couldn’t sleep, I kept thinking about you, I wanted to call but didn’t know if it was appropriate. I don’t wanna make this about me because I’m not carrying this baby, you are, and I was wondering if you… Have you already decided if you want to keep the baby if everything goes well?”

His question takes me by surprise but he’s right, I said he doesn’t have an obligation with us, but I... “Yes, I want to”

He nods and sighs, maybe he was holding his breath “Good, that’s good” he says looking down at the table “I want you to keep it too. I don’t know how is this going to work, but I will be here for you and the baby, if you let me”

“Ok” it’s all I say, and it is enough, for now.


	3. Scares like sh*t

A week goes by and I find myself asking Jakob if he wants to come with me to the ultrasound, thank God he said yes, otherwise it would have been awkward. 

We haven’t spoken much, some calls during the day asking if I’m fine or if I need anything, some calls during the evening wishing me a good sleep, nothing serious, just casual and a little bit warm conversation, but still cold for what we used to be. And I know I can’t ask for more now, it’s too soon and he’s still learning to trust in me, and I don't wanna screw it up again. 

I want him with me, I just have to figure out how. Do I wanna live with him? How can that even work, what about his girls, I just know one of them. And what about Otis, I don’t think he wants to live with Jakob, they can’t even have a normal conversation. I need to figure out this soon and make it work.

So now I am in front of the mirror trying to find something to wear with what I feel comfortable with, but still look attractive. It's really stupid, but I love to look pretty to Jakob, well, look pretty for me first and then for everyone else, but I want Jakob to continue to look at me the way he always does. And it’s not that the pregnancy is already evident, but most likely in a couple of weeks it will begin to show - Shit! I have to buy new clothes, I must remember that, but first I must tell Otis. Fuck, how am I going to tell Otis - Oh! for fucks sake Jean, focus, you still have time to think about it later, for now, let's get out of this clothes and wear the aqua dress, after that the ultrasound and then Otis.

When I walk downstairs Jakob is waiting for me sitting on the sofa

“Jakob! How…?”

He stands up quickly a little nervous “The door was open… sorry… I did knocked, but I guess you were… busy”

“Oh! Alright, it’s fine… you’re early” I say, my voice a little high

He smiles in such a sweet way that I just wanna kiss him “I brought you some crumpets, thought we could eat together before we go” and I wanna kiss him for that

“Thank you, Jakob” I smile and walk closer to him "I'm actually eating for two already, and who says no to a crumpet?"

We laugh together, it feels nice and normal, I can get use to it again, to just being grateful for having him next to me 

"You made these?" I say while I take one crumpet to my mouth and have a good bite

He nods and pulls a chair off the table for me to take a seat, then he sits next to me on the table and eats. He's just like that, chairs aren't needed, he's a wild spirit, a rebel, that's why I Like him. Yes, I really miss his mess, his loose change, his morning smoothies, the noise of his tools, I miss everything about him. Shit! I really screwed it up.

The trip to the hospital is quiet but comfortable, I don't know when things will return to normal between us, or if they ever will, but for now this new normal is not so bad, I just have to wait to see where it takes us

We don’t have to wait long before the nurse calls me inside, his hand finds mine, and we walk inside together. 

Dr. Jones asks all the routine questions, then height, weight, and other questions about early symptoms and general health. Jakob awaits patiently giving me some occasional smiles and listening to everything carefully.

Then the ultrasound, the moment of truth, it's there really a baby? It's the baby healthy? It's my body ready to carry them? God! What if there’s something wrong with the baby? Would I be a suitable mother for a child with special needs? Will I be with them long enough? Don't think, stop thinking, Jean!

The warm gel in my stomach brings me back to this moment, this moment that scares me but also makes me feel very much alive. 

Jakob takes my hand and I sigh before the sound of the baby's heart fills the room, but my heart stops for a moment, and for the squeeze Jakob gives to my hand, I think his heart also stopped or maybe sped up, but his beaming smile and the tears in his eyes tell me that he is also nervous but happy, because that’s what I’m feeling, happiness.  
And before I can see it coming, his lips are on mine, and it's a sweet and warm kiss, but salty with his tears, or maybe I'm crying too. And I know he already loves this baby and that's all that matters now. He loves this baby and can tell he also loves me, in a way no other man loved me before, and that’s the scary part, and that’s why I run away, because he loves me, deeply and truly.

We keep smiling until the scan is over and take two pictures of the baby with us, one for each. But we also take with us the warming feeling of knowing everything is alright and that everything will be alright. Because it doesn’t matter if our children hate us for this, it’s our life, it’s my life, and I wouldn't change it for anything. It’s a complete mess, but I am a mess and Jakob is also a mess, and my son might also be a mess, but is my mess and I love it

He keeps my hand in his, his big hand can wrap all mine and make it disappear inside his, it’s funny but it feels nice, we walk to my car and he stops before we get in  
“Jean… I have to tell you something because I feel is the right time to say it” he hold both my hands now, like our first time in my kitchen when he said he wanted to get to know me better and my hearts is beating as fast as a horse runs 

“None of this is what I thought it would be like to be in a relationship with someone again, and since I saw you I wanted to get to know you better and be with you, something impulsive, as you well described to me. And I think I am not wrong when choosing you Jean, I know that we are both scared and we both react differently to those fears, but I want to try again, I don’t know if I am wrong. I don't think I am, because you are a very special woman, and I know how much you care about others, so, I'm sure you will care about this baby as much as you do about Otis, I ... I love you Jean”

And I feel like fainting, I wasn’t expecting those last words, I don’t wanna run away again, but I feel like running away, this is too much and too fast “Jakob, I…”

“You don’t have to say it back, I know you don’t answer many questions or share feelings easily. I get it, you don’t have to say anything, really”

So I hide inside his embrace and he kisses my hair and I don’t have to say anything, I don’t wanna say it either, and I don’t know who the therapist is anymore, because he just read me like a book and it scares like shit.


	4. Confessions and calls

Ginger tea is my new best friend, well my second because the morning sickness is the first, if only it were in the mornings, but it actually accompanies you at any time of the day. It doesn't make me vomit all the time, but it keeps me dizzy, it’s torture.

Yesterday Jakob came to make me lunch, I wasn’t planning eating so he scolds me saying that I have to eat well, eat for two, and I know he is right but I don't feel like eating to vomit it later, although the dish he made did not enrage my stomach, and it was delicious.

Last night Otis came from his class, and I don't know what else because he arrived a little later than usual, he didn't greet me and he ran up to his room, he didn't come down to eat and he didn't go out again, I thought that our communication was improving but we take two steps forward and one back. How the hell am I supposed to tell her I'm pregnant?

"Good morning mom" His greeting almost made me jump out of my seat

“Otis, darling” I say with a really high tone

“I’m sorry, didn’t mean to scare you” he says looking down to the floor

“It’s ok sweetheart, how are you today?” I ask trying to force him to tell me something

“Fine” he says opening the fridge to find some milk

“Otis, can you please be honest? You came last night with red eyes, not even looked at me and you didn’t even eat”

He sighs heavily and falls hard on the chair in front of me, he’s going to cry again, those blue eyes can’t fool anyone “I screwed up the chance to be with the girl I like”

He said that so easily that I feel guilty about not being open about Jakob and the baby “Is there anything I can do?”

He looks at me and shakes his head “No, I don’t think so. I just wish I knew her heart and feelings, she’s so complicated”

I smile “Darling, we women are very complicated”

He gives me a sad smile “I guess you’re right”

He seems so down that my heart breaks for him “I really want to help you Otis, can you tell me what you did or what she did?”  
He thinks about it for a minute and his eyes lose focus, he must be thinking about her, I don’t know for sure, but I think he finally found someone he can actually love

He sighs heavily and throws his head back “It’s a long story, mom”

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to”

He looks at me again “No, but I do want to tell you”

I reach for his hand and squeeze it, that’s all he need to tell me the whole story

“Well, have you asked her about the text?”

“I tried, but apparently she didn’t receive it, I don’t know what happened”

“Darling, I think the right first step is to ask her how she feels, maybe she is scared too” he nods thinking about it “But if what you said is true, she may be trying to find the right words to say” He looks down biting his lower lip “I think she just need to hear it from you, you don’t need a text, just tell her, go and talk to her”

He nods with decision and takes his backpack walking to the door “Thanks mom, love you”

“Love you too, darling”

And again, I lost my chance to tell him about the baby, but it wasn’t the right time, if I keep going like this, I may be telling him when I’m already 4 months pregnant and too fat to hide it.

My phone rings taking me out of my thoughts, the screen reads Maureen, and I do need a friend right now

“Hi Maureen! How are you?”

“Jean, I’m very good, enjoying my time alone, I guess you were right”

That line punches me in the face, but I let it pass

“How are you doing?”

Good question, I don’t wanna talk about this on the phone, but I could use some advice right now “I’m good, and pregnant”

There’s a scream that forces me to put the phone away from my ear “You are what?”

Jesus, if this is her reaction, I can wait to hear what Otis has to say “I’m pregnant, I know it seems impossible and absurd, but I am”

“Is this the baby from the male friend you broke up with?”

“Yeah, but I already told him, so don't worry about that part”

“Is he happy about it?” and she’s smiling, it shows in her voice

“Yes, I think he is, but I don’t know if i’m doing the right thing, I also have to think about my son and his daughters, this will affect them too”

“So your son doesn’t know yet?” 

No, and it’s killing me inside, specially after our last conversation this morning “No” I say with a sigh

“Well! What do you wanna do?”

“I really don’t know”

There’s a pause but her voice is calm and caring “You only have to think about yourself Jean, what you want is all that really matters, your son is a grown up, he can deal with it”

I have to tell him, that’s all I have to do, why is it so difficult? “I know, but he can be, difficult”

“They are teenagers, he can he say he hates you, but all will be good at the end”

I sigh and a comfortable silence surrounds us “Jean, just tell me this, You wanna keep the baby?”

And I know the answer but I’m afraid of it, I love this baby and I love Jakob, but if this baby becomes a big problem for all of us, I don’t know what I’m going to do “I don’t know yet”

“Well, I will support you no matter what, please keep in touch, I will visit you as soon as I can”

“Thank you Maureen, I really needed this conversation”

“You’re very welcome Jean, have a good day”

I really need to tell Otis, it might be difficult, and maybe my body will reject this baby, but he deserves to know, I own him the truth.


	5. A difficult choice

That afternoon Jakob is back come to see me, and when he smiles to me I smile with him, he kisses me softly and it feels so good and normal, I feel we are really moving forward

“How are you feeling?” It’s the first questions he makes and exactly the right one

“Well, the morning sickness is really kicking my ass, but nothing that some ginger tea can’t fix, I guess”

He smiles kissing me again “Good, that means everything is well, I bought some baby books that can help us” I smile shaking my head, this man really is a treasure

We sit in the living room and turn on the television, but we continue talking without paying much attention to what they are presenting. Me lying on his side, with my head on his shoulder, his hand on my waist and some kisses on my forehead, it is incredible how much our relationship improved thanks to this baby who has been barely 10 weeks inside me, a baby who brings with it a lot of insecurities and probably many reproaches

“When are we going to tell them?, our children I mean, we can do it here if you want, I can bring the girls and Otis would be here, so we can tell them together”

Here we go, this is maybe the hardest next part, and I really don’t feel comfortable with his approach, so I move away a little and look into his eyes

“Jakob, I think I wanna tell Otis first”

He looks at me with surprise and moves his arm away from me “Oh”

I sigh and take his hand so he doesn’t feel like I’m neglecting his girls

“I wanna do this alone when telling him, I know my son and this will be completely shocking and confusing for him, he’s going to have a lot of questions and he might even hate me for a while, it’s something I thought about and given our failed past "family" meetings, I don't want him to feel pressured to react in certain way, or perhaps the stress of the situation forces him to react worse than he should. So I really wanna have this conversation with my son in solitary”

He nods, but his eyes tell me he’s still a little unsure “Of course, I understand, perhaps I should do the same with my girls”

I sigh again, I’m hurting him and it’s not my intention “Jakob. No, you don’t have to change your plans for me, if you want me to be there, I will. I just don’t want to bring Otis into this difficult conversation with your daughters, he is a boy after all and I think he deserves to hear it from me, I don’t want to make this any harder that it already is”

He nods again but this time his expression is different, he gets it and I feel relieved

“You’re right, yes, teenage boys are sometimes more difficult, I know because I was one” he smiles a bit “You tell him, and then I can see him and see where it goes, then we can tell the girls together”

I lean in to kiss him and he holds me carefully, I feel like a porcelain doll inside his arms and I love the feeling, the door of the house opens and Otis greets from the threshold "Mom, I’m home" and his tone is full of joy

Jakob pulls away with one last quick kiss and stands up leaving me alone on the couch “I better go now, I’ll see you again tomorrow” I nod with a smile while Otis comes and waves his hand uncomfortably to Jakob

“Hi jakob, how are you?” he says swaying back and forth on toes and heels

“I’m good Otis, what about you?”

“I’m great” Jakob nods and I walk with him to the door telling Otis to wait for me in the living room

When we got to the door Jakob frowns at me "are you going to tell him now?"

"I think so, it seems that he is in a good mood and I must take advantage of it" I say putting my hands together nervously

"I'll call you later then" he says giving me one last kiss and walking away 

While I walk back inside my hands are sweating and my knees are weak, I have to do it, there's no going back.

He’s sitting on the couch with a smile and it kills me “Mom, I spoke with Maeve, we aren't together yet, but she will think about it, that’s a start”

I half smile and nod “That’s wonderful darling”

He nods and stands up going to the kitchen, I follow him with my eyes but I stay in the living room, maybe the island that separates me from the kitchen will protect me a little

"Otis, there is something I must tell you" he unconcernedly takes a loaf of bread to his mouth and nods for me to continue, but my throat is suddenly so dry that I can’t speak. Fuck! This sucks! “I’m pregnant” It's the only thing I say so quickly that I don't even know if he could hear me

But he almost chokes on his bread and lets out a laugh that lasts forever, I look at him in panic, he seems crazy in my eyes, this is not a damn joke 

“Yeah, right” he finally says bringing another piece of bread to his mouth and taking some juice out of the refrigerator

I lose my temper for a moment and yell at him “I’m not joking Otis, this is serious”

He freezes for a moment, but in his eyes I can see that his brain works at a wild rate, then he leaves the food behind to take long strides from the kitchen to my position "That is not possible, you are ... old"

And that last word hits me like an ice bucket, of all the things I expected to hear from my son's lips, that was the last, but I suppose it is logical that he say it, after all, I am

“Mom, are you? How? What?” he walks back and forth with his hands on his head “This is so messed up”

I close my eyes trying to think what to say but I guess I didn’t think this straight, I should have, now what?

“Mom, are you listening to me?” He says, making me open my eyes and look at him “Does Jakob know?” 

I nod and he laughs trying to hide his frustration “And I suppose he is thrilled, he thinks this is great, a baby, the miracle that can solve all the flaws in your relationship, so now you two will finally be a family and live happily ever after”

“What?” I say to him in a cry full of anger, the way he said it, with sarcasm and almost mockery "you don't talk to me like that, young man"

He seems surprised with my fury but that doesn’t stop him from continuing to answer me and disrespect me “This is completely irrational, you tell me all the time that sex must not be taken lightly and that I always should use protection, and you get pregnant after almost seventeen years. What the hell were you thinking mom? You think this is great? It is not, it's a damn hell”

I can barely recognize my son after hearing his words, I knew this wouldn’t be easy, but this is beyond terrible “I can’t believe you are telling me this. You think this is easy for me? it isn't Otis, this freaks me out, I’m a mess. But you have no right to tell me I take sex lightly because I don’t, and I’m not completely happy about this but I can’t hate this baby, I would never reject a child”

He looks at me like I'm a stranger "I hate you, don't expect me to feel good about this because I won't, I hope you're very happy with your new family"

He runs upstairs and I feel empty inside, the house suddenly is incredibly big and my body shakes with cold, he runs downstairs again with another backpack that seems full and walks to the door 

“Where are you going?” is all I can ask

“To Eric’s” he says so quietly I can barely hear him “I can’t stay here tonight” and slams the door shut

Tears run down my cheeks and I feel I can’t breathe, I’m having a panic attack and can’t help it, this wasn’t supposed to go this way. I take a seat on the sofa and hide my head between my legs to catch my breath, but the world spins around me too fast and I close my eyes tight to stop the dizziness. My son hates me and it’s the first time that he leaves home being angry with me, more tears roll down my cheeks and a sob escapes my lips without being able to stop it.

After a while I throw my head back and look at the ceiling. Maybe everything he said is true, I'm too old and stupid to believe that I can raise another child, who says a relationship will work this time, who knows if I'll be alive by the time this kid finishes school, and what will Jakob’s daughters think when they find out, I don't think I can deal with another scene like the one that just happened.

Everything is going to hell and there is nothing I can do to prevent it, and it's all my fault, why I didn't use protection, you can't trust vasectomies Jean, never.

My phone rings and it must be Jakob, I can't talk to him right now, I'm exhausted and devastated, and maybe I don't wanna have this baby after all, not if it means I should lose my first child.


	6. A good man

I had the worst night of my life, I tried to call Otis but he didn’t pick up and I just couldn’t call Eric, but he texted me saying Otis was there. Bless him!  
But my mind remained active all night long, I couldn’t stop thinking about the things he said, it hurts so much to know how wrong I’ve been raising him. I’m realizing what a terrible mother I am, I’m not a good example for anyone. I thought he was different but this just shows me how much I have failed as a parent, I just can’t believe this, I can’t.

I don’t leave bed until 10 am when my stomach grumbles horribly and I remember I have to feed this baby, I didn’t have any clients today, thanks God. My eyes are red and puffy, I look pale and sick, I’ve never hated the mirror in my life until today.

I walk to Otis’ room and I see that there are some t-shirts lying on the floor and some socks, the coverlet is also on the floor, ¡Drama Queen! I just close the door and go downstairs. I make some tea and toast some bread to eat with peanut butter, I haven't tried it in years but today I crave it. While I’m eating my phone rings somewhere upstairs, it must be Jakob, I don’t wanna talk to him right now just like I didn’t last night.

After a good half an hour bath I feel better, but I still don’t know what I’m gonna say to Jakob, but when I go downstairs again he is in the kitchen making lunch

“Jakob! What are you doing here?”

He turns around to look at me with a warm smile “I assumed that the conversation with Otis went bad and that you wouldn't have the spirit to do anything today, so I came to make sure you have something for lunch”

I frown trying not to cry but he comes closer and wraps me in his arms, and in a way I feel safe. Never has a man understood me so well without knowing me completely, no one had ever fully respected my personality and made me feel good about being different. 

Remi thought he understood me and said he felt challenged to be better for me, but they were just words. He has never understood what commitment and loyalty is, he doesn't know what it is to be a father or a husband.

I turn away from him to look into his eyes "I did have breakfast, not long ago, but I did"

He nods with a smile “Good” and goes back to his kitchen work

I lean against the table without sitting at all while looking at him, I want to talk but I still don't know what to say, I don't want to repeat the things Otis told me

He doesn’t turn to see me but he says just the words I needed to hear and tears roll down my cheeks without being able to stop them. I thought I had no more left after all that I cried last night.

I stay quiet and wipe my tears so that he doesn't see them, but he turns around before I can hide them and approaches me taking my hands "Things were still not quite right between you two because of me, and now they are worse and it is also because of me, and I'm so sorry "

“This is not your fault, I’m the one who is pregnant, I’m the one who push you away and hurt you and now I just want everything to be just fine, and it won’t”

He stops me putting his finger on my lips “We are not going to return to that topic, that is the past Jean, we must focus on what you are going to do now, because as you told me, this is your decision. But I want you to keep it”

This man takes my breath away, why didn't he come into my life earlier?

I stay quiet because I don’t wanna say something wrong again. I considered abortion last night, but I can’t do that, if my body rejects this baby then be it, but not because it was my choice.

He squeezes my hand so I say something and my mouth betrays me all the time “ I don’t know jakob, this is wrong somehow, we are too old for this and a baby changes everything and I don’t wanna lose my son”

“But you’re gonna lose another child if you keep saying this is wrong”

“I considered my options last night, I had to”

He looks down and turns again to continue cooking and suddenly Otis is right behind me

“Mom, we need to talk” I jump with fear, he’s been scaring me a lot lately, or maybe it’s just my nerves. 

Jakob turns to look at him with a poker face and looks at me again “I should leave, lunch is ready”

“No, don’t go, I wanna talk with you both” says Otis with decision, and I feel tense, I wonder what he’s gonna say now

Nobody moves, we're all head-on, waiting for someone to say something, so Otis continues “There’s no decision to make here, you’re pregnant, you love each other, there’s nothing to think about” 

I say nothing and Jakob just nods 

“I’m sorry mom, I didn’t mean what I said, I have already hurt several people by not knowing how to control my impulses when I am upset or surprised or hurt”

I just swallow hard trying not to cry but still a tear slides down my cheek, he was hearing our conversation, for how long?

“I know is your decision, but abortion is for women who have no choice, but you do. Jakob is here, and he’s great”

Jakob smiles a little and reaches out his hand to take mine and kiss it

“Jakob loves you and the baby, you have a job and a house, you are mature, smart and caring… And I was just jealous”

I look at him with surprise understanding his words, Jakob is not Remi, he is a thousand times better

“Otis, darling” I say approaching him and putting my hands on his arms

He shakes his head “You don’t have to say anything, I’m lucky to have you mom, and this baby will too” 

A sob escapes from my mouth and I hug my son with all my strength, he is the greatest blessing I have, although sometimes I want to kill him, my son is the best thing that life has given me "I love you Otis, do you hear me? That’s never gonna change, not even when you are 100 years old"

“You won't be here by then mom” he says with a shaky voice while crying on my shoulder

I push him away from me and look into his eyes "you will always be my baby, my first great love, the best gift your father left me”

He smiles with sadness and for the first time I see him since he arrived, he has dark circles under his eyes and he is emaciated, it seems that he didn’t sleep last night and he was crying just like me, I turn to look at Jakob and he approaches us

“I just want to say that I never imagined being part of another family other than mine, but I am grateful, thank you Otis, I know this is difficult news to assimilate, but as I had already told you, you are a good man, and it is of good men to know how to apologize"

Otis nods and wipes his tears away “Thank you, I’ll leave you now, need go to sleep”

“You don’t wanna eat? Lunch is ready”

“Thanks mom, I will, later, I really need to sleep”

“Ok” I say watching him go upstairs, I turn to Jakob and his arms are open, I approach him and accept his hug feeling that a weight has just been lifted from me

“That wasn't too bad” 

I laugh into his chest and then lift my head to see him “Thank you”

“What for?”

“For being such a wonderful man”

He smiles and then kisses me, and I feel safe and relieved.

But then I remember his daughters are next


	7. The girls

Two days later I’m at Jakob’s door like a bundle of nerves thinking this is a terrible idea, I don’t know his youngest daughter, I can’t even remember her name, I’m making a terrible mistake. Before I can’t think further about it, the door opens and Jakob receives me with a big hug and a smile. And it's like magic because it controls my nerves a little to see his confidence.

“Hi Jean! How are you feeling today?”

I can’t help it but smile “I’m fine, just like I told you and hour ago and two before that”

He flushes a little and I adore him even more “I’m sorry, I just wanna be sure”

I squeeze his hand and smile “We are fine” and he smiles again with his whole self

I know he loves to talk about the baby and is killing him the fact that he can’t share it with his daughters, but he never loses a chance to talk about it with me, telling me about the size, about the new body parts that are recognizable every new week, about how he can’t wait to feel the baby move or to see me with a huge belly. And deep within I can’t wait to feel the baby and have Jakob all over me rubbing and reading to my belly, it turns me on. 

And right now I’m flushing. Jesus Jean, hold your horses! You have to talk to his daughters in a couple of minutes. So I clear my throat and walk into the house, but no one is in sight.

I turn to look at him and he points up “the girls are upstairs, I didn't think you would want to be surprised the moment you walked in, we don't want to be nervous”

He’s right and I really appreciate his efforts, but I’m equally nervous right now as I will be when they come downstairs and I finally meet that girl who, maybe, I'm going to ruin her life in a second.

He goes to the kitchen to turn off some pots and serve me a tea that I gratefully accept, I hear some footsteps down the stairs and it's Ola, she greets me effusively the way she is and gives me a hug "I'm happy to see you, Jean, I'm glad that you and Dad are together again”

“Thank you Ola” I say, a little too stiff to my own taste and Jakob rubs my back and trying to alleviate the situation, he asks Ola about her sister, but new footsteps come running downstairs and I finally meet her

“Elin” and she is radiant indeed. She looks a lot like Jakob, taller than Ola or me, black curly long hair, deep blue eyes and a beautiful smile directed to me

“Hi! I’m Elin, nice to meet you Jean” she says in a sweet voice offering me her hand and I take it with a warm hand that was holding the hot cup of tea

“You are beautiful” is all I say and she blushes a little still smiling

“Thanks”

Jakob rubs my back again and guides us into the living room. It’s not dinner time yet so we have plenty of time to talk and I don’t know if that’s good or bad, I take a sit on the couch next to Jakob and each girl sits in a chair.

“I know you and dad have been seeing each other for some time, I'm sorry that my multiple commitments kept us from meeting earlier” Elin says and she sounds like a grown up woman “I guess this meeting is important because dad insisted on it, so if it may not be very long, I would appreciate it because I have a commitment in the book club”

“Elin!” Jakob says with impatience 

“Are you two getting married?” she asks me directly and I immediately deny it

“No, no” 

“Are you moving with us?” 

I feel Jakob moving uncomfortably next to me so I put my free hand on his thigh “No, I have a home, and a son”

“Yeah, Otis, I know about him” and of course she does, he was after all her sister’s boyfriend, for a while 

“So, what is it then?”

Jakob clears his throat to speak "Girls, I know this may sound a little weird and it may be difficult to understand but you know I have never been with anyone since your mother left us, and what I feel for Jean is just as strong"

His words warm my heart, I don't pretend to be their mother and I'm sure they wouldn't like that. But Jakob is telling his love for me to his girls in such a simple and beautiful way, God I can't cry right now, I can't. 

"You know that I loved your mother very much and I never expected to be with someone again, but I really want to be with Jean, she makes me happy"

Both girls remain quiet looking at us, and I don’t know why, but Ola is particularly quiet and it makes me nervous

“Jean and I are having a baby” he drops the bomb and I suddenly stop breathing and the world stills, this is way worse that it was with Otis and I hear a - What? - but I don’t know from who

I look at Ola but she’s silent with an expression that I cannot decipher, so the one who asked was Elin

“Are you guys sure?” Elin says with surprise “This is completely unexpected”

“We know it, and I'm really sorry to come into your lives and change them, this was not planned, but I promise you that we will try to keep things as they have been until now” and i don't know if they are the right words or if i can keep that promise, but i also hope this baby doesn't give my life a 360 degree turn

Both remain silent trying to assimilate the news

"If you have any questions, we are here to listen to them" Jakob tells them, sounding a bit like me.

“How far are you?” Ola says in a warm tone that surprises me

“Eleven weeks”

“And it’s everything ok with the baby?”

I look at her and nod “As far as we know, there are still some tests that need to be done but from the first ultrasound everything seems to be fine”

Elin looks at her sister in surprise and rolls her eyes “Ok, It will take me awhile to assimilate this, and it seems a bit selfish on you not to have consulted us before embarking on a trip of this type, because a new baby is not something easy, but I am glad that everything is fine and if you will excuse me, now I have to go” she runs upstairs and disappears

Jakob gets furious but I squeeze his thigh because Ola is still with us "Is there anything else you want to know, Ola?"

She looks at me and smiles “I’m actually happy about this, don’t know why but a new brother or sister excites me, is that weird?”

I smile back "I don't know, but I'm glad that you like the idea, because it is very possible that it will happen"

Elin goes back down with a backpack on her back and opens the door "Okay, I'm leaving, nice to meet you Jean, Ola, bye dad" and closes the front door behind her

Jakob sighs resigned and Ola laughs

“You know how she is dad, at least she didn't say you ruined her life”

And after all it didn't turn out so bad, Otis' reaction was exaggerated and that makes me feel bad, Jakob is an excellent father

Ola looks at me frowning “Otis already know?” and I just nod 

“I guess he went crazy, he is very psychorigid” I nod again feeling even worse 

“Don’t feel bad Jean, that’s how he is, It has nothing to do with you”

"Actually it does, many of the things that Otis is, are my fault, others are his father's fault, but I am the one who lives with him, so somehow it is my fault" and some tears roll down my cheeks. Damn hormones!

Jakob take the cup out of my hand and leaves it on the table in front of us, then draws me to him and kisses me on the forehead “Is not Jean, everything is alright”

Ola nods and smiles again “Do you have the ultrasound photo? Will you let me see it?"

“I have one” Jakob says standing up and taking it out of his wallet. 

she smiles and looks at me "you're going to stay for dinner, I have a lot of questions to ask"

And with that, I'm sure everything will be fine


	8. Pregnant

A week later I definitely look pregnant, I don't know if this baby was waiting for us to tell everyone, but definitely my belly just popped, not to mention that I already went up a full bra size, of course that doesn't concern me, actually I love it because Jakob also enjoys it.

Before bathing I look at myself in the mirror and I am definitely pregnant, not only my belly that is beginning to show or my big breasts, but also the roundness of my cheeks, that glowing begins to show

And I'm very excited that this pregnancy is actually a good thing, an opportunity to love again, to start from scratch, to live the life as a couple that I dreamed of when I married Remi

After my bath I look for a long comfortable dress, I usually wear baggy clothes so i still have no problem but i must go shopping for clothes soon

In the kitchen I find Otis making breakfast, it's early so he's up on a Saturday and much more making breakfast

“Good morning, darling” I say opening the fridge to get some milk, I feel like having it this morning

“Good morning mom, how are you today?” he tells me finishing some eggs

“I’m very good”

When he turns to look at me he does it in a strange way "Wow, you are already showing"

I look down and unconsciously run a hand over my belly "I know, I just noticed it too"

He turns around again and I notice some discomfort, although I know he is trying to act naturally

“Why are you up so early and making a special breakfast?” I say taking a sit and drinking my milk

“I want to ask you a favor”

Oh no, of course that's why, nothing is free with your children "Ok"

“I want you to meet Maeve”

“Otis”

“But… please no weird stuff, no sex clinic talking, nothing about sex therapy, if you say something wrong we’ll leave, understand?”  
“Otis, I’m a sex therapist but I’m also your mom, I promise I won’t embarras you” he looks at me disbelievingly and brings me a plate with fried eggs and peanut butter toast “When is she coming?”

He brings his own plate to the table and sits down" This afternoon, I knew you would say yes, but I wanted to make sure you understood that this is important"

I just nod and smile “I’m glad things are good in your life darling, you seem happy and I wouldn’t ruin that for anything”

At noon Jakob comes to lunch with me. After breakfast Otis went to Eric's house and said that later he would pick up Maeve to bring her here. This is the first time that Otis brings a girl to the house, Ola doesn't count because they met here, but Maeve, I haven't had the pleasure of meeting her, I guess he really likes that girl.

As soon as he saw me, Jakob kissed me gently and caressed my belly with one of his hands "It seems that someone decided to be noticed" and he said it with a joy that made me smile with happiness 

“I know, even Otis noticed this morning"

“You look beautiful” And that was it, we went to bed and had the most wonderful sex before coming downstairs again. It felt different having him adoring the child inside of me and not just me, it felt even better.

Now he is serving the lasagna that he brought ready from his home and it smells delicious

“What are you thinking?” he asks me without even look at me

“Why do you know I’m thinking?”

“Because you’re too quiet” he says with a smiling voice

“Well, I’m thinking about the baby, about the amnio, about Otis, about Maeve, about you”

“You can’t think all that at the same time” he answers, turning to look at me “and who is Maeve?”

I smile shaking my head “Otis’ new girlfriend... But I can't believe that after everything I said I'm thinking that's what you're asking”

“Well, I don't want to talk about amnios either, we still have 3 and a half weeks left for that. For Otis I do not worry, he seems to be much better, and I know that you always think about the baby and me"

"You are a conceited"

He smile brightly and brings both plates to the table, then the drinks and finally he moves his chair closer to mine making his body almost touch mine when sitting

“Everything will be fine Jean, don't worry so much, I know that baby is as strong and determined as you " and kisses me on the forehead "Now eat before it gets cold"

An hour after Jakob left to fix a client's toilet, voices are heard at the door. I leave the office to find Otis with a girl with brown hair and big brown eyes in the corridor. 

She seems a bit uncomfortable but Otis smiles at her and she does too

"Hi, I'm Jean"

She gives me a handshake with a shy smile "Maeve"

“It's a pleasure to meet you Maeve, please come in, you want something to drink?”

“No mom thanks, I’ll do it, don't worry”

“Okay”

She looks at me and says looking at my belly “Congratulations by the way, Mrs Milburn”

I nod a little uncomfortable “Thank you, and please call me Jean”

What does Otis want us to talk about if it can't be anything personal or from my work, from school? I should have thought of that before they arrived

We walk to the living room and she takes a seat on the couch while I take a chair so Otis can sit with her

“Where do you live, Maeve?”

Otis brings some pineapple juice I made before jakob came for lunch

“In the trailer park” she says casually

Otis takes a sit next to her a little uncomfortable

“And where is Jakob, mom?”

I really wanted to ask her a little more about who she lives with or what it's like to live on a trailer, so I guess Otis was serious

“Oh, he had some work to do, but he brought me lunch, there’s some lasagna leftovers if you guys want”

Otis just shakes his head and Maeve says “No, thank you”

“Are you excited about the baby?” she says so casually that it takes me by surprise, neither Otis nor Elin, not even Ola who is happy for the baby asked me that, and somehow I really like this girl, she seems simple, a little sad but kind

“Well, I think so, yeah. I mean, it’s been complicated, I wasn’t expecting this at all, but somehow it feels right” she nods and Otis look at me with regret “Thank you for asking Maeve”

“I think it is a valid and normal question in this case, I imagine it was a surprise, but you are an adult woman, with a stable life, and according to what little Otis has told me, your partner is excited, so, you must be too”

Otis moves a little uncomfortable next to her and I clear my throat "Do you have siblings, Maeve?"

A sadness crosses here eyes and her tone of voice lowers a little "Yes... two, I don’t see them much"

“Ok” is all I say realizing that it is a difficult subject for her, I don't want her to feel uncomfortable on the first visit to this house, there will be time to get to know her if Otis continues to see her

“I don't know about you, but we would like some snacks right now” I say running a quick hand down my belly “and maybe a movie?”

They both smile agreeing and I feel saved by the bell, but the truth is I can eat all day and wouldn’t mind, I’m eating for two after all.

I look at them from the kitchen, they both seem happy and comfortable, their internal sadness worries me a little, but maybe Otis can make it bearable, or at least I hope so


	9. Amnio

Sixteen weeks pregnant and glowing, feeling horny, beautiful and sexy, who knew this would be so much fun. I see Jakob every day, and the girls every eight days, the relationship with Elin has improved, although it is true that her multiple occupations don’t allow us to share the time I would like to get to know her better, but overall she’s a sweet and smart girl. Ola is more and more excited, she’s actually reading pregnancy books with her dad, so everytime she sees me, she tells me about what she has learned and how much the baby has grown. I wish I could be as optimistic as she is, but I am the one who is pregnant and I know the risks as much as my doctor, and I’m definitely not trying I'm not trying to be a bird of ill omen, but being pregnant has become a constant concern for both my baby's health and my own, but I'm trying to enjoy it at the same time. Maureen has been a great help, our chats always make me feel better, a girlfriend is a big blessing. I’ve seen Maeve another couple of times, she’s cool and nice, but she prefers to meet Otis at her house, so they can be alone, I still don't know if she is a good example for Otis, but what I am sure of is that he is a good influence on her.

At 7 am Jakob called me to remind me that today is the dreaded amniocentesis day, but I've been up since 4 am thinking about it. This exam makes me very anxious, not only because of the result, but because it can affect the baby, I can have a miscarriage, God forbid, and the truth is that I don't feel capable of going through the trauma of losing a child.   
But we need to be sure everything is perfect, this is important for me and it can decide everything from now on. The good thing is Jakob will be there with me and he always tries his best to make me feel better.

At 10:10 am I'm on a gurney at the doctor's office with a giant needle in my belly and holding Jakob's hand tightly. The doctor monitors the baby with an ultrasound to make sure everything is okay. In 5 minutes everything is over and I breathe again

I must be at rest for 48 hours and take care of myself for the next 4 days. Jakob assures the doctor that he would take care of me for the necessary time

The ride home is a bit uncomfortable, cramps in the abdomen that seem normal, Jakob takes me to bed, puts a pillow between my legs while I lie on my left side.

"I'm going to make something quick for lunch, do you need something before I go?"

His worried face is very sweet to me "I'm fine, thank you"

“Are you sure? What about the cramps?” he says putting his open palm on my belly and rubbing it in such a gentle way, like if I’m made of glass or something “You’re gonna be fine, right?”

I put my hand on his cheek "You are not doubting now, after you assured me that everything would be fine. Go to the kitchen, I'm fine but I may starve"

He laughs and kisses me softly on the lips before getting out of bed and looking at me one last time from the doorway.“I love you, Jean”

And I have to tell him, because I feel the same way, and I can’t be scared anymore, we are going to have a child together, and he is the best thing that has happened to me, for his concerns, his company, his deep care for me and his unconditional love

"I love you too"

And he freezes for a moment, blinks a few times and then comes back to kiss me again "really?"

and he's like a little boy with shining eyes and a big smile "yes, I love you"

He blushes a little and caresses my belly again "and I also love this little one who came as a surprise and now I can't imagine not having it"

Tears come to my eyes and I bite my upper lip to keep them from falling

"Everything will be fine, I promise, I didn't want to hesitate a moment ago"

I shake my head and sigh “Go now before you make me cry”

“Ok” and he goes downstairs after kissing me again

His words echo in my ears and stay with me, because I love this baby too, and it is a love that has been growing without me realizing it, since Jakob told me that he wanted to be with me and that the idea of having a child was a good thing, since Otis and Jakob's daughters accepted it without remedy. This love has been growing as my belly grows, and it will grow more when they give me the results saying that everything is fine, when I feel it move for the first time, when we know the sex and buy everything a baby needs, when we decorate its room and when it is finally here I think my heart will explode with happiness. I gently caress my belly and raise a prayer that all is well. 

I fall asleep without realizing it, Jakob brings me lunch to bed, we stay there talking for about an hour about buying some baby clothing in a few weeks when we find out the sex and we also try to talk about names, but we can't agree on any yet.

After school Otis comes home with Ola, both a little nervous and with a worried face, but I assure them that everything is fine. Every time I complain about a little cramp, all three of them react like I'm dying making me laugh. Just wait until it's the day of the birth to see what faces they're going to make.

Both leave later to see their respective partners, and I’m happy they both have a distraction and someone to be with. Jakob asks Ola not to come home too late to take care of Elin, because he plans to stay with me

“You don’t have to Jakob, please go home, your daughters need you and I don’t want to keep you here” I say interrupting them

“No way, I'm staying to take care of you” he tells me almost like a scolding

Ola looks at him with an angry face and then looks at me "It’s okay Jean, I want him to stay, I'll get home early" then looks at him again “and don't talk to her like that” he makes the face of a sorry child and nods

Otis comes over and sits on the edge of the bed next to me "Are you sure you're okay? I don't have to go if you don't want to."

"Nonsense" I say frowning "I'm fine and I want everyone to act normally, I just have to rest a little and that's it” I say it out loud so that everyone can hear me "I appreciate everyone's concern, but you won't change your plans for me, have fun guys... Don't forget to use protection"

Otis rolls his eyes "Mom" then sighs “Ok, see you later” and kisses me goodbye. Ola is still a bit apprehensive so she waves her hand from the door, a simple “Bye Jean” and leaves

Jakob looks after me the rest of the afternoon and night, when Otis comes home I'm already sleeping, I only see him again until the next day when I wake up with Jakob as my big spoon behind me and his hand on my lower belly

Otis knocks on the door waking me up "Good morning, can I come in?"

It takes me a moment to know where I am or what is happening, but when I feel Jakob's hand on me I just move it to the side, I comb my hair a bit with my fingers and cover any exposed skin with the sheets so that Otis can step inside "Come in, honey"

He opens the door and sees Jakob asleep and looks at the floor "I just wanted to know how you spent the night? Yesterday I didn't see you anymore when I came back"

"I'm fine Otis, thanks for asking" my voice sounding a little rough this morning

He still doesn’t look at me a little uncomfortable with the situation "Okay, I'm glad. I'm off to school, write me if you need anything"

"I will honey, have a nice day"

He goes downstairs and Jakob puts his hand on my belly again "Good morning Jean"

I jump a bit in surprise and he rises a little sideways unloading his weight on one elbow “I’m sorry”

I shake my head and turn to him a little "It’s ok, good morning"

“What do you want for breakfast today?” he says leaning a little to kiss my forehead

"I don't know, surprise me" I say with a giggle while he laughs caressing my hip

After breakfast and a good shower I change my pajamas and stay in bed. Jakob rejects a client and tells him that he will attend tomorrow, one of my clients calls the landline and he says that I am not available. Otis writes me if I want something for the afternoon and I ask him for donuts, a weird craving since I haven't eaten donuts in years

I fall asleep for an hour and a half or so and wake up with a little fluttering that makes me gasp. Jakob drops the book he's reading and in a second it's next to me panicked 

"What's wrong?"

I can't speak and the only thing I do is tear up 

He caresses my arm and puts his other hand on my cheek wiping my tears "Jean, answer me"

"It's the baby" is all I say in a whisper as I caress my belly

He puts his hand on mine and looks at me terrified

I smile at him still through tears "It's moving"

He widens his eyes and a smile grows on his face "Really, can I feel it?" says raising my blouse and feeling my belly

I laugh full of joy seeing his enthusiasm "I don't think you can feel it yet, it's too early, but it is moving a little"

He leans down and kisses my belly, tears also fall down his cheeks "Be strong like your mommy baby" and more tears fall down my cheeks and I feel that my heart can’t hold more love for this wonderful man, he truly is a gift.

“How does it feel?” he says wiping his tears away

“Well, at the moment it's not much, it's like soft beats to a drum, then it will feel like a good kick or nudge from the inside” and he laughs kissing me softly “But surely you already know how it feels, for your daughters”

He stares at me sweetly and then laughs "frankly, I don't remember. It's like a whole new feeling, a good one"

And I totally agree, it’s a wonderful new feeling, a new start, a new love, a new life and I can’t wait to share it all with him.


	10. The sex

Finding about the sex of the baby was the craziest day I've had of this pregnancy. Two days after the arrival of the completely normal results of the amnio, was our appointment to find out the sex of the baby, with 18 and a half weeks pregnant, this was supposed to be a normal sonogram, an exciting one, but still a normal one. Well, that’s what I thought!

Jakob and I had decided to meet at the doctor’s office because I had a patient first thing in the morning and he also had a client to see. I would take a cab because he would bring me back home in his car afterwards.

I put on a floral dress that reaches my knee, with long sleeves and a V-neck with a little cleavage, Jakob almost ate me with his eyes when he saw me, and although it was not my intention, I blushed. I'm in that stage of pregnancy where you start to feel extremely sexy and confident. He took my hand and kissed it to be a bit discreet, if we were at home he would have kissed me passionately

After reviewing with the doctor in detail the results of the amnio, and the routine questions, she told us that she couldn’t tell us the sex of the baby because in an email that she had received two days ago from our children, it said that they wanted to do something special so that we could all share the sex reveal

“That’s absolutely ridiculous” I said

Jakob took my hand and smiled “I think it is sweet, that means they are actually excited about this, isn’t that what we wanted?”

The doctor nodded looking at me and I just sighed, he was right, that was what we wanted, it was much more that that, they were actually excited, all of them, and they found something that we can all share, since they couldn't be there because of their classes, they made it even more special. I still think it's ridiculous but if it makes them happy that's fine.

Everything was perfect, the measurements, the weight and the doctor hoped that we would be very happy to find out the sex of the baby later that day.  
She sent an email to a bakery that Ola told her, she would stop by for the cupcakes after school to come home and have a little celebration.

“So, what you wanna do now?” He asked me while we walked back to the car, hands together

“Well, I have a client later today, but I’m starving, again”

He laughed and stopped “We should celebrate, everything is fine with the baby and we will find out about the sex with our kids later, so, let’s go lunch in a good place and how about you canceling your client ”

  
“Are you sure? I mean, I kind of feel this is too much”

He took both my hands and leaned on to me a little “It might be, but this won’t happen again, so why not?” and he gave me one of those beautiful smiles he has

I rolled my eyes and shook my head "Okay, and obviously it won't happen again" he laughed throwing his head back, a real belly laugh that earned some glances towards us “Move man and feed me”

The restaurant was almost full when we arrived, we went to one a bit far from town, Jakob wanted something new for a change, but not before he bought me some nuts and juice for the road, something that I greatly appreciated because I’m hungry at all hours, I'm enjoying this eating for two thing

We waited a couple of minutes because apparently there were several reservations, some young people behind us looked at us curiously, I tried to hide it, but Jakob put one of his hands on my belly and leaned down a little to kiss me, something that made me blush, because it was not just the boys looking at us but also other people who were close

I have never really cared what people say, every time I went out to clubs or the market or restaurants with any man who showed his "affection" towards me, I never cared, sometimes with younger men like Dan, I think he was called like that, whatever. I feel like it's different now, not because it's uncomfortable, but because it's a demonstration of true love in public, and because I've never felt like this since Otis was little, and because being pregnant changes everything in a way that I don't know how to explain.

When he turns his face away from mine he looks at me with a big smile that makes me smile - this man drives me crazy - I didn't have time to look back and I really didn't feel like doing so, when one of the waiters guides us to a table for two on a beautiful balcony on the second floor of the restaurant,

“Jeanie, Jacob, hi!”

Of all the people in the world it had to be him “

It’s Jakob, Remi” I said “What are you doing here?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Jakob”

Jakob half smiled “It’s alright”

“You look different Jeanie, even younger” he said in a very uncomfortable tone

Jakob smiled pleased and I actually blushed a little, not because of Remi of course.  
Nobody said anything so Remi kept talking “Are you celebrating something?”

“That’s not your business” It’s all I said and he cleared his throat

“Of course not, sorry”

The waitress came and Remi find himself in an awkward situation

“Why don’t you sit with us?”

And I couldn’t believe it was happening again, why Jakob has to be so very nice with him, after the stupid kiss that almost ruined everything. I just looked at Remi with a warning

“Oh, thank you, I didn’t mean to disturb and I’m going to see Otis later today anyway, so maybe we have the chance to chat this evening”

“Noooo!” I said too fast and a little too loud “I mean... he’s busy today”

The waitress said nothing and Remi looked at me suspiciously

“Jean, it’s ok” Jakob said to me softly, we had a little conversation between glances until I nod

“Fine, we have a family reunion tonight to find out the sex of the baby”

He looked at me puzzled “Baby? Otis got a girl pregnant?”

The waitress tried to leave realizing that no one was going to order yet, but Jakob stops her "Excuse me miss, we better order now before continuing the conversation"

She nodded, Remi took a seat and we placed our order

“You haven't answered my question” Remi said a little nervous

It is good that he worries about that, I wish he spoke to him more often, not about the benefits of sex, but about its risks, but Remi's sin is to believe that he is Otis's best friend, not his father

“Jean and I are having a baby” Jakob said taking my hand smiling

“No way…” I look at him with a serious expression, and he gulps "that's why you look different Jeanie, you're glowing” his voice a little shaky “... congratulations to both of you"

After a somewhat uncomfortable lunch we go home. Thank God Remi brought his car, when we got up from the table and he saw that it was already showing, he looked at me with a little sadness maybe, I'm not sure, but it was as if he was somehow jealous

When we got home our children were already there, I looked at the clock to realize that it was almost 4 in the afternoon, I guess the time flew by and the restaurant wasn't so close after all

There are 12 cupcakes on the dining table, - I ate most of them, but let's not talk about that - Ola comes to hug me and asked permission to feel the baby, making me blush, it is quite a tender and unexpected gesture

“Of course sweetheart” I said guiding her hand to my tummy and incredibly the baby makes a little movement greeting its older sister, she smiled so brightly it made me smile with watery eyes

Elin waved at me from her seat and so did Otis, Remi greeted everyone and hugged Otis, a weird hug I must say, the busybody on one occasion who was supposed to be just for the family, he's Otis's family, but he's definitely not part of mine anymore.

When the time came to bite into the cupcake I was very nervous considering the possibilities. We were all supposed to bite at the same time, but the guys decided I would do it alone and then we would all eat.

Having another boy is something safe, I already know how to handle it, well, not completely, but raising boys is what I know how to do, and I suppose Otis would be very happy to have a brother to teach him to play video games and read comics, even if it is 17 years later  
Having a girl on the other hand, is something completely unknown, Ola says that girls can also be pretty annoying, and I guess that is true, I gave my mother a lot of headaches during adolescence, and Jakob already has two girls so I don't think he wants to have one more

So either one is welcome for me, after all, it's a child of your own blood, and you love it no matter what.

So I closed my eyes and took a bite, everyone shouted with joy around me and when I opened my eyes to see the cupcake filling my eyes watered again and this time I couldn't hold back the tears, Jakob hugged me and kissed me, no matter what our children or Remi thought, he was delighted

"You are not disappointed?" was the first thing I asked him when his lips parted from mine

"Oh no Jean, I am the happiest man, a strange girl just like you, I can imagine her" that made me smile and for a moment I forgot about the others around us

A girl with the bluest eyes that anyone has ever seen, maybe blonde and with her father's smile

"She will be perfect" was what I told him in a whisper and he kissed me again  
Ola said that she already knew it would be a girl and won the bet against her sister, all three are happy with the result, just like Jakob and I

After saying goodbye to the group, Remi told me to walk him to the door, Jakob nodded to convince me to do it

"I'm really happy for you Jean" his words took me by surprise "I always wanted to have a daughter, but I only have boys, and apparently Jakob only has girls, I hope you have found the happiness that I couldn't give you"

His words touched my heart, I had never seen him like that, and it made me a little sad "thank you Remi, and thank you for joining us today, I hope you had a good time"

“Yes, better be on time than invited I guess” he looked up at the sky and sighed

"How are things with Delilah and the children?"

He looked at the ground and then at me "Not good, I already went for my things and said goodbye. After Otis came to see me I have been thinking a lot about my life and I realized that I will never change Jean, it would be better if I stay alone”

I don’t say anything, because I really don’t know what to say, I think he’s having a crisis or something but he's absolutely right

I don't say anything so he finally says goodbye “Bye Jeanie, take care of yourself”

And I feel so bad for him, shit, fucking hormones “are you going to stay around for a few days?”

“Yes I'm at the hotel near the park”

“OK, see you”

I don't know why I said it, but I feel like I should help him in some way, maybe recommend a good therapist, or speak to him for real, it may not be too late to change - and that thought surprise me - because I'm changing after all

Jakob and the girls left before 9, I was already yawning and there is school tomorrow

After changing to sleep, Otis came over to talk to me

"Are you happy mom?"

“Yes, I am, why do you ask me that sweetie?”  
He looks down to the floor and walks to the bed sitting next to me

“You know, on the day of Eric's play, I went to see my father to ask him why he had abandoned me”

So that's what the conversation was about. My little boy is already a man, and a very brave one, having that kind of conversation with his father should not have been easy

“He told me before he left”

“Well, he told me it was because he's an asshole, and I don't want to be like him”

“You are not like him, well, not in that respect, you lied yes, but it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, and then you were just hurt and we say bad things when we’re hurt”

“Yes, I am, I lied to you and treated you badly and I blamed you for many things and it was unfair... I'm sorry mom, can you forgive me?”

“Of course, darling, I will always forgive you, I have even forgiven you for everything you can do 50 years from now”

and he gives me that little face that has always melted me, those tender eyes, and for a moment I feel he is 6 years old again, my little Otis

"I love you mom, thank you for always being here for me"

"I love you too... now go to sleep before I start crying"

and he goes to his room with a "Good night" smile

And here I am now, in my bed, with a watery smile, caressing my belly and treasuring Otis’ words, feeling full happiness in my life again and I’m sure there’s more to come


	11. Remi

“What did Remi say yesterday?”

The new routine is to see him in the morning to have breakfast together after the children have gone to school

“He was sad actually, I never saw him like that, he said he is happy for us”

my appetite is not much today and I put the toast on the plate with a frown

“Tell me, what you wanna do?”

I sigh looking at him, I don't really understand my feelings at the moment, Remi is Otis's father and we had a relationship for several years, he was my first true love and I once thought that we could be happy together, for our careers in common, our similar tastes, but I was completely wrong

“I… I feel like I should help him and I really don’t know why, I just feel compelled to do it, I wanna talk and see if he really wants help so I can recommend a therapist, in London maybe”

“You don’t owe him anything”

“I know… I know, I just… His life is finally falling apart, and when that happened to me after our divorce I got help and I had Otis, but he is completely alone”

He looks at me frowning but smiles a little “You already decided to help him”

I lean forward and reach for his hand “He means nothing to me, I want you to know that, as I said a few months ago, it was a stupid kiss…”

But he doesn’t let me finish “Jean” he squeezes my hand smiling “You are a good caring woman, just like Otis said, I don’t have a problem with you helping him, do what you feel you have to”

“I’m doing this for Otis”

He is silent so I keep talking

“Apparently, he spoke with him recently and asked him about our divorce, why he left, why he abandon him”

“Oh Jesus”

“I know... I think he’s trying to understand, he is trying to figure out how to be a man, and I wish so badly I can answer all his questions, but I can’t. So I need Remi to help him, but he can’t even help himself, god I’m crazy!”

“ No Jean, you are right, I wish I could help my girls with some questions they have, but I can’t, so is very commendable what you’re trying to do, and I really admire you for that”

I nod with a sigh “Thank you”

He stand to put his plate on the sink “Now, eat”

“But I’m not hungry” I say pouting

“No cheating Jean, eat for our girl”

I smile and bring one of my hands to my belly, I still can't believe that we’re having a girl "Alright, you win”

  
  


When I get to meet Remi in the park cafe I see that he is flirting with the barista, a girl almost Otis's age. I turn to go away but he sees me before I can

"Jeanie, don't go” 

The girl looks me up and down assuming I'm his wife and blushes looking away to serve another customer

He runs to me with a guilty expression “Jeanie, I’m sorry”

“I’ve told you a thousand times don’t call me that, and you don't have to apologize to me, I’m just sorry for her” I say without patience “I can’t believe how stupid I am Remi, I really wanted to help you, but you can’t help a person who doesn’t want to be helped”

He holds my hand before I can leave “Why do you wanna help me, Jean?”

I take his hand away from me “Look Remi, I need you to be good for Otis, he already saw your true colors and is extremely disappointed, think about all your children not just about you for once”

I didn’t realized I was raising my voice, but everyone around is looking at me - Fuck, now they think I’m probably pregnant with his child and making a scene -

“And now everybody is looking at us because you’re a total twat”

He smiles and I feel I can kill him

“You really are pregnant” he says laughing

“What’s that supposed to mean? It’s evident I am, you asshole”

He laughs again “No, I mean, when you’re pregnant you are even more explosive, I remember now”

“Shut up” I say walking away from him

“Jean, come on, let’s just talk alright, I promise I will behave” and I know where Otis got that pitiful expression from, it’s the exact same one Remi is giving me right now

“Don’t look at me like that” I say crossing my arms under my chest and he immediately looks at my breast “Oh, for fuck’s sake, really?”

“Sorry, it’s just, wow, I’m sorry, well no, I’m just admiring you”

“Admiration means respect, and you can’t obviously do that”

And I want so much to just leave, he’s a fucking asshole who can’t change and he’s really killing my nerves, but I made a promise, I wanna help my boy, so I stay

“Can we go to some place where we can talk privately so people stop staring at us?”

He nods “Yes, my hotel room has a balcony, we can talk there”

* * *

“What did Otis tell you? When he went to see you” 

We are sitting on the balcony, it has a good view and it’s a good and fresh afternoon, I love this time of the year, beautiful yellow and orange leaves adorning the floor. I look at him, he’s not looking at me, he’s thinking, probably remembering their conversations, I wish I could know everything about it, I wish

“He ask me why I abandoned him, why I left him, why I decided to leave instead of staying around at least, do what you do, be with him, be always there”

There’s sadness in his voice and my heart breaks a little for my boy, he feels somehow he was rejected by his father, and it’s my fault too

Remi was always a flirt, but me too, my mistake was not realizing that we were very similar, a relationship between two people like us was never going to work, when he began to disrespect our marriage I simply ignored him thinking it was a facet, that he would never dare to fool me, but when Otis finally saw him in our own house, I couldn't take it anymore, and all he said was that I was exaggerating everything. Our separation was also my fault and I did nothing to prevent him from going so far and in a certain way abandoning Otis, I did not want to see him again, but I did not think that the most affected by my decision was Otis

“I am so selfish Jean, I’m a total asshole as you call me, I don’t know how to be a father, and I’m doing the exact same thing again”

I tried at first, I called him and asked him to talk to Otis, but when he left with Delilah the distance became greater, she took up all his time, she no longer cared and neither did I. When his other children arrived, the situation improved a little, Otis went on vacation and was with the boys, Delilah loved him and made him feel part of her family. But then Remi started to dive right back into his job and for sure on other women's legs as well, and the relationship got cold again.

He finally turns to look at me and there’s tears in both our eyes “What can I do?” he’s almost begging, it’s heartbreaking

“Remi” I say wiping away my tears “Nobody is perfect, we made a lot of mistakes when we were together, I’m not a perfect mother either, I try to protect Otis as much as I can, I overprotect him, it’s my fear to lose him the same way i lost you, sometimes he gets mad at me and sometimes he hates me”

“Jeanie” he says stopping me “It’s not the same, you have always been there, you are his constant, you are a great mother, of course you make mistakes, it’s normal, but I did the worst thing a father can do, leave”

I sigh and put my hands on my belly, if there is something I cannot do is reject a child, I want to protect this baby girl so badly already, he looks at me again

“That baby is incredibly lucky to have you”

I smile sadly, I was so afraid about this pregnancy, but seeing the baby for the first time, seeing her, feeling her, that’s was everything I needed to love her with all my heart and soul

“You need help Remi, that’s all, we all need help sometimes, we can’t do it all alone and you already gave the first step, recognize you have a problem, I have a friend in London who can help you, her name is Megan and she is incredibly good, I can talk to her and tell her you are coming”

He nods “Thanks Jean, I really appreciate what you’re doing, and I know this is because of Otis, thank you, really”

“Just try to be good, and try to help him to find out how to be a good man, he’s trying so hard”

“I will, I promise”

He clears his throat and smiles “Did you bring your car? Can I drive you home?”

“No, and no thanks, I’ll call Jakob”

“Good, okay”

And I know what he wanna say but won’t “Goodbye Remi, please call her, she can help you”

“I will, bye Jean” he says with a smile

  
  


I leave the hotel and find myself famishing, so I go to the coffe shop and thankfully the girl from earlier is not around, I order a crumpet and chamomile tea, while I wait I call Jakob

“Can you come for me? I’m exhausted, he really drained my energy”

“Of course I can, where are you now?”

“I’m at the coffee shop in the park, God I’m starving”

“Have you ordered something yet?”

“Yes I did”

“Ok, I’ll see you soon”

Ten minutes later he’s here and just seeing him makes me feel better, I get up from the park bench I was on, quite uncomfortable by the way, and he comes straight to hug me

“How are you feeling?” he says still with his arms around me

“Better now that i see you” and i feel like a ridiculous schoolgirl

He smiles and leans down to kiss me “Good” he simply says smiling

“Where is he now?”

“I don’t know and I don’t care, just take me home please”

He frowns a little “Are you feeling good, the baby?”

I smile a little “Yes, we are fine, just tired”

He nods and holds my hand while we walk to the car “How was it? Will he accept your help?”

“It was hard actually” I stop walking and stand in front of him “I’m incredibly lucky, you know”

“Why is that?”

I sigh, something I’m doing a lot lately “Well, I have Otis and now I have this baby girl, we need a name by the way”

He laughs a little holding both my hands

“And… I have you, I can’t believe I have you” and I feel tears filling my eyes again “And I also have your girls”

He leans down and kiss me softly, so softly, it feels amazing “I love you Jean”

“I love you too”


	12. With you

“I can’t do this anymore Jean”

“What do you mean?”

He sits naked at the end of the bed “I’m exhausted, I’m sore, I can’t keep up”

I laugh covering my naked body with my blanket while kneeling behind him kissing his neck “Oh I’m sorry old man, but you can’t complain, I am carrying your child, remember?”

“I do, i felt her kick too”

I cross my arms on his chest and kiss his cheek “Alright, I’m gonna try to slow down, but my hormones don’t help, you make me incredibly horny”

He laughs and kisses one of my hands “You better go and clean up, we have an appointment with our little girl”

“We need a name”

“I know, but I wanna see her first”

* * *

  
  


“Alright Jean, everything looks great, 20 healthy weeks, you’re halfway there, how are you feeling?” my doctor says while I go back to the chair next to Jakob’s

“I’m feeling great, trying to eat healthy, having great sex, everything is fine”

Jakob blushes a little but smiles

“That’s good to hear” the doctor says with a smile on her face “Let’s see that little girl, shall we?”

Everytime we see our girl we both cry, maybe we are old and stupid, or maybe we are deeply in love with her already, but see her development is a myracle, never in a million years i would have imagine myself in this situation, but here we are

"The measurements are great, 16.4 centimeters, 320 grams, well development of the organs, good percentage of amniotic fluid, healthy placenta, and look, she's sucking her finger"

We both laugh through tears completely in awe with her

“This is great mom and dad, today you both will have a video and some photographs, isn’t that exciting?”

“Yes, thank you doctor” I say while Jakob wipe my tears away

“My pleasure” 

We go back to her our seats after receiving our present of the day

“Alright Jean, I want to recommend you some birthing classes, and I know it’s too soon and maybe you choose a c-section but we should cover all fronts, is that ok for you?”

I don't look at Jakob “Is it strictly necessary? I mean, I already have a son”

The doctor smiles “No, it’s not, it’s entirely up to you, but I’m gonna give you this pamphlet anyway so you can decide later”

I receive it and nod, the classes are usually during your third trimester and they can be helpful if the baby decides to be here before her due date or in a hurry, but I don’t know if I wanna go there 

“I’ll think about it, thank you”

We leave the hospital and Jakob takes me home. After about 5 minutes in quite comfortable silence he speaks to me with a little apprehension

"Jean, can we talk about the birth classes?"

I turn to look at him with a frown, the pamphlet is already in the bottom of my bag where I thought it might be forgotten

"Sure, what about it?"

"Why don't you want to consider it? Did you take them before Otis was born?"

I sigh knowing where the conversation is going and I would like with all my being not to have to talk about it

"No, well, I tried, but no, I didn't do it"

He looks at me in confusion and returns his gaze to the road "What does it mean?"

"I don't feel comfortable in that kind of meeting, especially not now that I'm not 30 years old"

He is silent for a moment, then tries to continue but closes his mouth again

"What? Just tell me what you are thinking" I tell him a little exasperated

"Jean, we are not kids who are going to have their first child, but that doesn't have to make you feel bad, I don't think that's the reason" he tells me, sounding pretty sure

“What?” I turn to look at him and he give me the same look he gave me when he said I wasn’t ready to be with him

“No lies Jean, remember” he says parking his car at the entrance of my house “You are an extremely confident woman, and I don’t think you feel uncomfortable around younger pregnant woman”

I close my eyes and turn my face to the window

“I saw you a little uncomfortable when the doctor mentioned the classes and I saw how you threw the pamphlet to the bottom of your bag” he takes one of my hands in his forcing me to uncross my arms "if you had a bad experience the first time it doesn’t mean that will happen again, I'll be there with you"

I turn to look at him again and then I look at our clasped hands 

"Remi went with me to the first class and flirted with the nurse and with some of the other mothers who were there with their partners, it made me look completely ridiculous"

He puts his other hand on my belly with a little smile

“That’s the past Jean, I promise I won’t flirt with anyone”

That makes me laugh, and he laughs with me

“I know you won’t”

He squeezes my hand

“Will you go with me?”

I close my eyes and I'm going to give him an answer but he keeps talking

“We have 10 weeks to think about it, but having a good breathing technique and planning everything in advance can be good for both of us, I honestly feel rusty after so many years”

That makes me laugh again

"No kidding...Okay, I'll think about it"

“Good, I have to go now but, is there anything you want or need?”

“Yes, carrots please”

He looks at me and laughs “Carrots?”

I raise my eyebrow “Yes, I’m obsessed with them lately, I’m eating a lot of carrot sticks, is that bad?”

He smiles “Not at all, very healthy, good for you both” he says caressing my belly “Carrots it is”

I kiss him goodbye and he waits until I close my door to leave

  
  


I have a couple of clients before Otis comes home from school, have my lunch and take a comfortable sit on the sofa under the stairs to read a book, slowly I change positions until I’m completely laying there and fall asleep

I wake up two hours later to find Otis watching TV on the couch. He smiles when I put my feet down and stretch my body. 

“Had a good sleep?”

“I did but my back hurts” I say rubbing my back “Why didn't you wake me?”

He shakes his head “You were too comfortable there, I couldn’t” he looks down to my belly and then back to me “How is the baby?”

It still feels odd to hear him say that, but I can’t deny it’s completely sweet 

“She’s fine, apparently still sleeping” I say rubbing it with one hand and standing up to get some juice, I’m thirsty

“What are you watching?” I ask coming back to the living room and taking a sti slowly next to him

“Your name”

“Anime huh?” he nods “What is it about?”

“It’s basically a love story, about how we are tied to our soul mate” and he blushes a little, he’s still my little boy

“How is Maeve?”

He clears his throat and look at me “She’s fine”

Always so reserved, i guess I’ll have to let it go this time

“Otis, I wanted to talk to you about some things that we should have fixed by now, and it’s my fault we haven’t, I guess I’ve been neglecting you with this whole baby thing”

He shakes his head and sighs “You haven’t mom, I guess I’ve been distant too, don’t worry”

I nod and squeeze his hand

“And if you wanna know what I did with the money from the school clinic”

I stop him “No, I don’t, we agree you will do some good with it and I trust you and I hope we don’t have to talk about it ever again”

He agrees looking down to the floor

“Look sweetheart, I don’t know if you want to be a sex therapist as both your parents, but I really think you did some good, maybe you are good for it after all, just do it the right way, ok?”

He nods “Yes, mom”

“But, I wanted to talk about your father and about the baby”

He throws his head back with an exasperated look “Is this really necessary?”

“Yes” he just nods “hear me out Otis, I want to know how you feel about this baby, because I really don’t know, your reaction was harsh and then you seem to be cool with it, so, can you at least tell me that?”

He looks down to his hands, I know he’s nervous and apprehensive, he’s always been like this, his face is a little blushed and I find him adorable

“Look mom, as I said, I was jealous, but that was ridiculous, I mean… You…”

“What?”

“I never thought you could actually get pregnant, I mean, of course it was possible, it is obvious now, but… I guess I got used to you sleeping with man without having an actual relationship, it got comfortable after a while, I knew you had this excuse about not having time for a relationship because of me and I never really worried about it, I was selfish”

“Otis” I wasn’t expecting this answers at all

“No mom, just let me finish this”

“Ok” i say nodding

“But when you said you and jakob were dating, i freaked out a little, I never expected that to happen, I was very comfortable with our current situation, I get used to have you just for me, I never thought you were actually afraid about having a relationship after your experience with my dad”

I sigh looking down “I really was”

“I’m sorry mom”

“Darling, you don’t have to be sorry”

“I am, but I’m glad you move forward, you found a good man and I’m happy about you having this baby. I won’t stay here forever and I don’t want you to be alone”

Tears stream down my cheeks while I smile and he nods

“I love you, mom”

“Oh darling, you have no idea how much I love you”

He smiles with a blush

“Now, about your father”

“Mom”

“You know he’s really trying with his therapy and he needs your help”

“My help?” he says with a funny expression

“Darling, I’m not a fan of your father and you know it, but, I don’t know why, it’s maybe my hormones or this pregnancy, I just... I see him so sad, I think he realized he messed everything up, so, can you please call him and ask him what he needs?”

He sighs and nods “Fine, I’ll call him later”

“Thank you, darling”


	13. Shopping

“I noticed that you are growing a mustache. Why’s this change darling?”

He looks at me as if that was the worst question that I could ask, and I find it ridiculous, but I won’t tell him that

“I just feel like it” he says putting some books in his backpack and walking to me to kiss me goodbye, something he’s been doing more and more lately before leaving and coming back home right before bed

“Bye mom” he says and walks away

“Bye darling, have a good day”

I stand alone on the balcony thinking about that famous mustache, what is he thinking about? He looks like two or three years older, maybe that's his intention, he’s a man now and there’s nothing I can do about it, he spends less and less time in the house, which makes me think that this baby will come just at the best time to keep me company, I caress my belly absentmindedly for a few moments just looking around, the river, the trees, the little nest in front with three precious eggs. It's getting cold outside, this baby will arrive right in the middle of winter and those little birds will sleep tight under their mother’s wings.

My phone rings and it’s Maureen, she has been such a great sport during this pregnancy, calling me every few days, bringing me food, just like Jakob. Talking about her many activities and casual flirts, I think I created a monster, well, not really, I’m happy she’s feeling confident and free

“Hi Maureen, how are you?”

“Hi, Jean! Are you ready to go shopping?” and her voice is absolutely enthusiastic

“Yes please, I need it urgently”

“You know where to go?”

“Yes, the store that I always go to, I only need one or two more sizes, then I send them to be fixed to fit me"

“That's a great idea, see you in half an hour, I'll take you”

“Thanks, see you later”

A week ago while we talked in the afternoon after my last client, we brought up the topic of going shopping, I have been lucky enough to have several pieces of clothing that are wide and others that are not so wide but stretch, but I am sure that in about three weeks that luck will run out, the baby starts to grow faster and I can't go on with just two changes of clothes, so the best option is to go to the store where I always buy and order larger sizes, after the baby is born they will take care of fixing them for me

  
  


On the drive to the mall, Maureen tells me about her various zumba, yoga and step training classes, she seems happy, but the one who is having a bad time is Michael, it seems that his free time has not settled well and they have not yet accepted him back in Moordale

"And how is Jakob?"

"Very good, he visits me every day, fulfills all my whims and more”

She hums in understanding and I laugh

“He is also preparing a room in my house and one in his for the baby, it is like his secret project”

I was a little apprehensive about it at first, I haven’t looked into that room for a long time, it was our guest room and no one has been there since Remi left, sometimes he slept there when we have big fights and it is now full of boxes and things I have to check in the next few days. But I relaxed and decided to leave him fix everything as a surprise, after all, it’s something less to worry about

"It seems you agreed to compromise" she says with a smile

“Yes, it is actually not that bad”

She laughs and shakes her head “I’m very glad, Jean”

When we get to the mall I’m already starving and I don't want to be a bother, thankfully, she is the one who asks if we should eat something before embarking on the difficult task of choosing maternity clothes that don't look like one. I still remember when I was pregnant with Otis, finding the right clothes back then was torture, everything was absolutely ridiculous and gigantic, besides my height was a problem and I had to have everything fixed. After he was born I was finally able to find a style more suited to me and my personality, and I think it has been the same until now.

After eating a wonderful carrot pie with tea, we walk towards my absolute favorite store, I have been coming here for the last 10 years or so, and they always find pieces for me, and not only from them, sometimes they find me gorgeous pieces from abroad online stores, so I’m sure this is the best place to find everything I need, if someone can help me, it’s them

  
  


Immediately upon seeing me, Tony's eyes widen and he turns to us with a smile

"Jean Milburn, look at you!" I smile back and give him a hug “My God, you look divine, absolutely beautiful”

“Oh please Tony, stop it”

“I always tell her the same” says Maureen with one of her friendly smiles

“And who is this lovely lady?”

He says turning to her and offering her a handshake

“This is my friend Maureen”

After exchanging some pleasantries, I ask him to help me find new pieces for my wardrobe for the coming months but that they can work for me later.

"Do you know what came back to us? That jumpsuit that you love and I bet it is time to change it, you can buy it in two more sizes and we will fix it later"

"The blue one?"

"Yes, you will look splendid in it until the end of the pregnancy, although it has a slightly more greenish tone, but it is perfect"

“I like that idea” I say walking behind him to the one piece section

Maureen looks around with delight “I think I will buy one thing or two”

About 20 minutes later I find out that shopping while pregnant is the worst idea on the planet, I feel tired, sweaty and absolutely uncomfortable. Although Maureen keeps giving me a smile and words about how beautiful I look with each outfit, I just want to leave, not because I think I look ridiculous or I don't like my image, the truth is that I have learned to love the changes in my body, but right now i feel bloated and my back is not helping, I just wanna go home and rest.

Maureen notices my expression when I go out with outfit number 4 and she looks at me worried

"Jean, are you alright?"

I caressed my back a little and look at her with a half smile

"Just a back pain that starts to bother me, but I think that with this and the rest we have looked at will be enough, I don't have to try everything on"

"Of course not" she says guiding me to a seat next to which she was "Why don't you stay with that dress you tried on and look at two that I want to show you"

"Yes, I'm not taking this one off, it's perfect"

"Well, I promise not to delay"

While Maureen changes, I relax a little in the chair and look at the beautiful dress that I have just chosen, it is a green below the knee, short sleeves and shirt collar, a floral pattern with yellow, orange and blue tones, cut under the bust that will work until the end of pregnancy, it's really perfect. 

Tony comes over and smiles at me “That is the best dress you chose, you look beautiful in it”

I just nod and smile

“Are you going to take the other 3 that you tried on?”

“Yes, I just need to fix a little the jumpsuits on the shoulders and the length, and I’m going to take the other two dresses that I didn't try, as well as the sweaters and leggings”

“Of course, I will pack everything for you and send the rest to the dressmaker”

“Thank you, Tony”

“I’m very happy for you Jean, you look lovely”

I smile again but we are interrupting by Maureen, she comes out of the dresser with a beautiful burgundy bodycon dress and she looks absolutely breathtaking

“Now, I’m jealous” I say with a smile

She laughs and I can see she is totally happy with it “I feel so good with this dress, it’s amazing”

“Well, you look amazing” Tony says smiling and getting closer to her “I’m sure everyone will fall for you as soon as they lay eyes on you”

She laughs again looking at herself in the mirror, I get up slowly and walk towards her until I am right behind her and put my hands on her shoulders "You look incredible"

She smiles looking at me through the mirror and covers one of my hands with hers “You too”

  
  


We leave the store with her carrying all the packages to make sure I am okay. Her new outfits only take up one bag, while mine are four big ones, sweaters for the winter that is coming and comfortable leggings that will surely be the only ones I will wear during the last weeks of pregnancy.

When I'm accompanying her to the door to see her off, Jakob comes down the stairs with a smile, as always. She greets him happily with a hug and then he comes to give me one of those soft kisses that warm my whole being. She says goodbye and we walk hand in hand to the kitchen

He opens the package that he brings on the dining room table and a carrot cake scent spreads throughout the kitchen making me drool just thinking about it

“Guess what brought you?”

“I don't have to, the smell already triggered my taste buds”

He laughs and grab a couple of plates from the counter to serve each of us a slice

“Want some milk?”

“Yes, please” 

By the time he brings me the glass of milk I have already eaten more than half of the portion "Do you want another piece?" and I nod thinking of a wonderful new slice

“When are we going to talk about names, Jean? 

I look at him holding the spoon right next to my mouth and I lower it back to the plate

“Why are you avoiding this conversation?”

I put a hand behind my back and rub it gently with a sigh "I'm not avoiding it, I just want to wait a little longer, I don't know why I have the strange idea that as soon as I see her I will know what name she should bear, not before"

“Did you wait with Otis?”

I keep rubbing my back as I look at him "No, Otis was the only name we had since the beginning of the pregnancy, that's what Remi's father was called and he wanted to call his son the same"

he looks at me with a frown and I sigh "You don't have to make that face, I don't dislike the name Otis, I agreed to it"

He looks at me trying to figure out what I just said and then speaks "Oh no, that's not why, is that you keep rubbing your back, are you feeling alright? Do you need a massage? A thermal bag?"

I look at him with a smile and remove my hand from my back and reach for him to come to me. He stands up and hugs me so that my face is on his chest and he can massage my back with his left hand. "Just a little massage would be fine."

"Was the shopping day too much effort?" he says with a chuckle still running his hand up and down my back

"A little, I'm afraid" I say with a smile

He kisses my temple and keeps me there for a good two minutes before moving aside reaching for my hand

“Let’s go to bed so I can give you a proper massage”

I look up so he can kiss me properly too, before going upstairs and get comfy while he works magic with his hands

“When your daughters were born, had you already decided the names?” I ask while humming delighted with his massage

He puts a little more force on my waist and makes me gasp “did i hurt you?” he asks stopping

"No, it just felt too good" I tell him in a voice that could mean something else and he laughs

“Well” he says, resuming his action "with Ola it was very easy, it was a name that we both liked and that we had spoken many times, even before we got married"

I nod and he continues “With Elin, well, it was her sister’s idea and we liked it. So yes, both girls had names before they were born”

I remain silent for a while and then I turn to look at him and take one of his hands, stopping his massage. "Do you have a name in mind for this little girl?”

He lays on the bed right next to me crossing one arm under my head and leaning me toward him "Many names in my head, but none worthy of her yet"

I chuckle and raise my head to look at him "Helga or Yara?"

He laughs and kisses me on the forehead "We'll find one that we both like, it doesn't have to be similar to my daughters', it could be a traditional UK name"

“Like what?”

“Like.. Amy, Abby, Katy or Millie”

I wrinkle my nose and he kisses me right on the tip of it “We’ll see, maybe you're right and we won't know until we see her" he says as he caresses my belly and the baby moves under his hand

I nod and move closer to him letting his body heat warm mine, he brings his other hand to my back and continues to caress me until I fall asleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to post this one today because I realized my dress is the same one Gillian is using in the lastest photos of the shooting, and I almost fainted. Let me know what you think


	14. A birthday

"Umm something smells delicious down here" says Otis coming down the stairs

I smile "It's your favorite and other things."

He comes up to me and stands right behind looking at the pan "Is that black pudding?"

"Yes, it is" I say turning towards him and giving him a big hug trying that my belly is not uncomfortable between us "Happy birthday, darling"

"Thanks mom" he says hugging me back "but you didn't have to do all this"

"Of course, there is no more important day in the year than your birthday" I tell him, lowering the pan from the stove and serving the full English breakfast

“Wow mom! This looks absolutely amazing”

I smile again and point to the oven "There is something else in the oven, but for later"

He turns to look and his eyes widen "It's a Victoria sponge cake”

I nod and he looks at me with his mouth open "at what time did you do all this"

I shake my head starting to cut pieces of sausage on my plate to start eating "That doesn't matter, I could have gotten up at 2 am, or I could not have gone to sleep last night, or I may have had a little help, the important thing is that today 17 years ago you came into my life and you have been the best gift"

“Until now” he says looking down

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I say looking at him with surprise

“Well, soon you will have another life gift” he says looking at my belly

“Otis, we talked about this, you were my first child, my love for you will never change”

He sighs and nods “I know, I’m sorry”

“Don’t be sorry darling, just don’t say that, okay?”

“Okay”

despite the amount of breakfast we both eat it all

“I actually had help, Jakob was here early to bring me some things and he asked me if you would mind if the three of them came to celebrate your birthday with us later, what do you think?" 

He clears his throat and leaves the table to put the dishes in the sink, then he turns to look at me and says nothing

“just yes or no, and no matter what the answer is” I say with a sigh

He looks down and his voice is little “it's always been just you and me the last few years on my birthday”

“I know sweetheart”

“but i guess it's a good thing it changes this year”

I look at him with surprise “really?”

“Yeah, can I invite Maeve and Eric too?”

“Of course, darling, there’s plenty of cake for everyone”

“Great” he says smiling and then runs upstairs

* * *

Jakob arrives at 2pm to help me with some decorations, Otis went out to pick up Maeve and will arrive later in the company of Eric as well. Ola and Elin will arrive at the indicated time so as not to disturb

"How does this look here?" says jakob putting some balloons on the stair railing

"That's fine" I say from the kitchen while I put some finishing touches on some snacks

He comes up to me, takes one of the snacks and puts it to his mouth quickly with a smile

I raise an eyebrow and pat him on the arm "Jakob!"

He laughs and kisses me on the cheek "no one will notice one is missing"

I shake my head but I can't help a smile on my lips as I take the tray and walk to the kitchen counter “I will”

He walks behind me and stops me before I can reach the bar crossing his arms on my belly and giving me another kiss on the cheek, I raise my arms to the level of my face, holding the tray tightly so that it doesn't fall from my hands "Jakob, can you stop? You almost made me drop the tray"

“But you didn’t” he smiles taking the tray with one hand and putting it in its place turning to me again and crossing his arms behind my back looking at me tenderly "we make a good team, don't you think?"

I look at him putting my hands on his forearms with a smile "Yeah"

he leans towards me and his lips meet mine “I love you” he says in the middle of the kiss leaving his words on my lips

I lean back looking at him with a smile "You are like a child"

He laughs and nods trapping my lips on his again drawing me closer to him, I take the opportunity to cross my hands on his neck deepening the kiss, but the baby begins to kick between us and we both smile

“I think she's claiming you because you're neglecting her”

“I would never” he says rubbing his hand right on the kicking spot “I love you too little princess”

He’s been calling her that since we found out about the sex, and since I refuse to give her a name, he already has a nickname for her, the most tender and beautiful in the world I think. 

* * *

Two hours later everyone is home, the house decorations look great, balloons, happy birthday messages, festive dishes and the wonderful Victoria Sponge. Otis looks at me surprised “Mom, this is too much”

“Nonsense, we have people to celebrate it with”

He looks around and smiles, it is not a family in the conventional definition of the word, but it is one, and he feels it too "Thanks mom!”

We spent a nice afternoon talking about everything, school, new projects, college plans, scholarships. The kids even play a game of scrabble while Jakob and I make them more snacks, the teenagers eat too much.

When it comes time to sing Otis's birthday song, he feels a bit uncomfortable, he has never liked great displays of affection, much less surrounded by his new family and his girlfriend

I still can't believe he’s 17 years old, when the years passed so quickly?, if it seems like it was yesterday that I arrived from the hospital with him in my arms, alone, because Remi didn't come to pick me up or he forgot. Otis with his black hair and blue eyes looking at me almost with devotion, putting his little hands on my chest every time I fed him, smiling at me every time I gave him a bath, moving his legs at full speed when I changed his diaper to escape my hands, blowing bubbles with his little mouth trying to talk to me when I read to him at night. My little Otis, the little researcher, always curious about everything around him, always stealing attention wherever I took him, always smiling.

And look at him now, taller than his father, same hair and curious eyes, and that crazy mustache that is driving me crazy.

I realize I’m crying when he asks if I’m ok “Oh, sorry honey, hormones” I say wiping my tears away while everyone goes back to the song

Jakob caresses my arm and kisses my forehead “They grow up so fast, I know”

I smile at him and sigh bringing a hand to my belly and caressing the little girl growing inside of me, I hope she doesn't grow so fast

Everyone was delighted with my Victoria sponge, even Maeve, she is not much of celebrations, she doesn't even like to celebrate her birthday and apparently she is not a fan of sweets either, but I noticed it that she had several glasses of wine and while the other guys were a bit happy, she was still the same

Ola approaches the sofa where Jakob and I are and sits next to me "So, have you chosen the baby's name?"

"No, not yet"

"Why not?"

"Well, I think it's better to wait for her to be born and see what name suits her best"

"Umm, interesting"

She smiles and I frown a little waiting for her to say something

“Remember when you told me you wondered if it would be easier to have a girl?” I nod with a smile “Well, you will find out soon”

She touches my belly briefly and goes back to sit next to her sister

“When was this conversation?” Jakob asks

“It was before i knew i might be pregnant, shortly after we broke up”

He sighs and kisses my forehead “You are good for her”

I look up to him and he smiles “She trust you and like you, she seems happier since she started talking with you, I’m so glad I found you Jean”

I feel a lump in my throat and tears fill my eyes, he shakes his head and caresses my cheek with his thumb “No, no, no crying”

I laugh and he wipes the couple of tears that roll down my cheeks “I love you”

He nods and smiles “I know”

  
  
  



	15. A very merry christmas

At almost 30 weeks pregnant, I can’t believe Christmas it’s around the corner, and I haven't had such a hectic Christmas since Otis was about 10. Jakob has been bringing several things for Christmas dinner, we already have the turkey and all the ingredients that it needs to become a great feast. In addition to the Nymans, Maeve will also accompany us, the girl lives alone so we cannot let her stay in her trailer on this date

I have enough bottles of uncapped wine for the boys and Jakob, since I’m pregnant they have been piling up, God only knows how I miss it. I might have only one tomorrow, I don't think one is a bad thing for the baby.

But before I think about finishing the preparations for a perfect christmas, I must go deliver some presents, to Eric's house, and to Maureen. Eric is like a second child to me and his parents have been good friends, and Maureen has been a great support in the last few months, a really wonderful woman.

After leaving gifts for Eric's parents and sisters, and a beautiful jumper for him followed by a kiss, a hug and a little conversation with my tummy about how to be fabulous from birth, I head to Maureen's house, to my surprise Michael is with her, something that I really didn’t expect, he doesn't appreciate my presence, let's say, he still blames me for his suspension. 

Maureen asks him to excuse us and we walk to the kitchen

"What is he doing here?" I ask her and she sighs

"He's been living with his brother Peter, but they don't quite get along, and tomorrow is Christmas so I thought I'd invite him"

I nod understanding the situation

"I was wondering if..."

"Yes?"

"Do you think it's a bad idea to go to therapy with him?"

"No, if you are considering going back to him"

“I don't know whether to go back with him at all, but at least improve our relationship”

I think about it for a moment remembering my own experience, when Remi started to cheat on me we went to therapy together, we made promises, changes were seen, but then everything was a disaster again, and worse and worse, so I really can’t talk here

She interrupts my thoughts with a question that leaves me in shock "Could you be our therapist?"

I think the color is leaving my face for a moment, I close my mouth to swallow hard and open it again without words

“Jean?”

I widen my eyes and get closer to her to speak almost in a whisper "the man hates me, are you sure?"

“I'll take care of him, but would you?"

I sigh puffing out my cheeks "Yes, I guess so"

She gives me a hug, wishes me a merry Christmas and walks me to the car

When you get home Jakob is in the kitchen

"What are you doing?" I ask him approaching him and giving him a kiss

"I'm going to peel some things so they are ready tomorrow and we don't have to waste time"

I nod shaking my head with a smile "Will you stay tonight?"

"Yes, the girls want to spend Christmas Eve with other people, but since it will be as a family, better today so that we can be here tomorrow without regrets"

“Good”

We sleep late together, the girls will be arriving after lunch, and Otis will be out for lunch with Maeve, Eric and other friends, so we have plenty of free time to prepare everything. Laziness next to Jakob is the best, his sweet kisses, his hands running over my body, the tip of his nose tickling my belly while he talks to our little girl, everything makes me feel loved and blessed.

“We better start if we want Christmas dinner to be ready today and not at the end of the year” he says pecking my lips and offering me his hand to go shower together

In the hallway we meet Otis who is on his way out 

"Good morning, I promise to be here before 3 in the afternoon, I'll go open presents at Eric's house and then we'll go to lunch"

"Good morning darling, okay, Merry Christmas"

"Merry Christmas Mom, Jakob"

“Merry christmas Otis”

The shower is quite small for both of us at the moment or maybe it is just my impression, the only thing I appreciate is that he knows how to move in it and do magic with various parts of his body on mine and inside me, especially his tongue, which makes my knees weak and makes me scream with pleasure

* * *

“Are you ready for a Traditional Christmas Dinner, with all of the Trimmings?”

“Let’s say, I’m ready to eat it” I say cradling my belly

We both laugh and he gives me a quick peck before starting with the turkey, I take care of the onions, carrots,brussels sprouts and vegetables in general

He takes the bacon out to cook with the turkey “Well, this will take at least two hours, so what do you want for lunch?”

“Can we order something, hamburgers maybe?”

“Your wish is my command” he says picking the phone

While I boil the potatoes and finish the garnish with his help the burgers arrive, and thinking about how I am eating during this pregnancy reminds me of Jakob's wonderful appetite, I don't think I'll eat that much again in my life

Ola and Elin arrive at 2:10 in the afternoon, Otis and Maeve 20 minutes later, they all bring gifts that their friends have already given them

After ruling out monopoly and jenga, charades are the winners, the Nymans against the Milburns (including Maeve of course). But it turns out that Jakob is not very good, but his two daughters win alone, Otis is good in some categories, Maeve is impressively cultured and I defend myself, so after a few draws the Milburns win

“You were cheating” Jakob whispers in my ear

“What?” I say turning to look at him

“You distract me, your gaze, your smile, the way you cradle and caress your belly, I can't concentrate”

I smile and lean on his shoulder, he kisses the crown of my head and draws me closer to him "You are very good at playing, I am very bad"

"Yes you are"

* * *

  
We bring the feast to the table for everyone to help themselves, but Jakob takes care of the turkey. Everyone eats their fill, I eat for two so I have an excuse to repeat even though I may feel indigestion tomorrow, but today is Christmas Eve and it's worth eating gluttony.

After many praises about the food and Ola and Elin taking care of the dishes, we move on to the gifts

Everyone receives fabulous gifts, for Ola many colorful things, a scarf with all the colors of the rainbow, a jumpsuit, a purple and green plastic boots, Orlando by Virginia Woolf, a suitcase from NASA and various pins and stickers from television series and movies.

For Elin only articles related to art, a book about famous painters, various brushes and colored pencils, photographic rolls for her instant camera, a sketching wallet, a watercolor case for her cell phone and a collection of socks from famous artists

For Maeve tons of books and a couple of shirts with quotes like “I embrace the label of bad feminist because I am human” and “A Feminist is anyone who recognizes the equality and full humanity of women and men”

Otis was really delighted with his gift, we all gave him a chair, headphones and speakers for gamers, I gave half the budget of course, after all, he is my son and I love to see him happy. In a separate gift of mine he found some video games that Eric recommended to me

Jakob was hard to read, especially for Otis and me, his daughters gave him some gardening and kitchen supplies, as well as tools for his business that they knew he needed. Otis gave him a couple of basic t-shirts, and I gave him a watch, a lotion and some boots that he kept looking at the other day we went to lunch

“How did you know that I wanted them?” he asks me amazed

“I saw you looking at them and I assumed you wanted them, there is nothing better than giving a gift that you know someone needs and longs for”

He smiles and hugs me so sweetly that it makes me swallow hard to avoid emotion

They all decided that I would be the last, but there are still several packages on the tree, all that cannot be for me, before I can ask Elin and Ola grab two of the gifts and give them to me with a smile

The first gift is a striped clutch bag of impeccable taste for such young girls to choose, and the second is not for me but for the baby, a set of hat, scarf and rabbit booties in pink, blue and white.

At that moment I realized that I wasn't counting on having gifts for the baby who is not here yet but is already part of the family, I put the three items on my belly and the baby kicks hard making me cry, not in pain, but of joy, not only of having her but of having this new family.

Jakob silences me with a kiss on the forehead “You didn't think we forgot about her, did you?” and at that moment I realize that I don't have a gift for my own baby "but I don't ..."

"Hey, you've already given her many. Or what do you think your wardrobe drawers are almost full with? There are clothes too small to be yours."

I nod with a smile, wiping my tears and receiving Maeve’s gift, her present is very special, soft and comfortable socks for both me and the baby. I guess she researched the importance of them after delivery, one less thing to worry about.

Otis gives me a beautiful colorful kimono and a set of three onesies and two pacifiers for the baby. 

Jakob stands and brings my present, a set of breast pads, a set of hair care and a gold chain with the letter J in small stones, then he offers me his hands to help me stand up "Let's see our daughter's gift"

The children decide to stay downstairs and let us go up first so that I can see the gift quietly, surely they already know what it looks like, I have been the only one who has not been able to enter that room since Jakob made it his surprise project, and the fact that he has it ready for Christmas makes it doubly special

He makes me close my eyes before entering and puts one of his hands on them so that I don't cheat. The first thing I notice inside is a lavender scent, Jakob knows that I love it and the baby will surely like it too. "Ok, are you ready?"

I nod and he removes his hand from my eyes, I put one hand on my belly and open my eyes, I take the other hand to cover my mouth and tears fill my eyes immediately “Oh my God!” he says nothing but stays behind me while I look around

The room is painted two white walls and two lilacs, on the lilacs there is a pattern of white flowers up to the middle of the wall, the baby's wardrobe is also white, has an adapter on top to use as a changing table, there is a rocking chair by the window and a wooden horse also white, right on one of the white walls is the white crib with lilac curtains that go to the floor, on one side of the wall there are some stars that shine in a light yellow and on the other side are framed the ultrasounds that we have so far, next to the door is a white teepee on top of a pretty shaggy white rug, the whole room is a work of art for an angel

I turn to look at him and I throw myself into his arms crying on his chest "It's perfect, it's more than perfect, thank you"

He hugs me and kisses me on the crown of my head caressing my back “I’m glad you like it”

I look up smiling “I love it”

He leans down and kisses me softly “Now we can bring all her clothes here so you have room for you again”

I laugh kissing him again “Thank you for a perfect Christmas, I love you”

“I love you too”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas everyone, I hope this chapter warms your heart, and I wish you a nice day next to your loved ones


	16. Finding and Folding

When I wake up Jakob is next to me with a smile on his face 

"Good morning, Jean"

I yawn and stretch my back rubbing my eyes "What time is it?"

"8 am, I arrived just as Otis was leaving"

I look at him with intrigue "That must have been more than half an hour ago"

He just nods with a smile

"And what have you been doing all this time?"

"Looking at you"

"What?"

He comes a little closer to me and puts a strand of hair behind my ear, his very look makes my hair stand on end "you know that you frequently rub your belly when you sleep?"

I look down and bring one of my hands to my belly feeling the little girl who also seems to have just woken up kicking my side "Do I?"

“It's the cutest thing I've ever seen, apart from your parted lips and a slight snoring”

I wrinkle my nose and half smile as he leans towards me and kisses my forehead

“Why don't we take a shower together?”

I look at him, narrowing my eyes and raising an eyebrow "Is that the reason you are here so early?"

He nods with malice in his gaze, I get out from under the covers, and walk to the bathroom while unbuttoning my blouse "come here, big boy" and he follows me like a puppy in love

* * *

After breakfast we go upstairs to move all the baby's clothes to the dresser in her new room, my dresser is full and some of my clothes are on the closet floor.

Jakob sits cross-legged on the floor and opens the first bottom drawer where my pajamas are while I sit on the bed to begin folding whatever he hands me

"Jean, what is all this?"

"what?" I answer with a frown

He takes out several short pajamas that are the ones I usually wear and also some babydolls that I have not yet had a chance to wear and that still have labels, in addition to some long pants pajamas that I decided to buy recently to wear in the hospital and later when come home with the baby

He takes one of the babydolls and raises an eyebrow “I like this one”. It’s a pale pink color with pretty pleats, a shiny ribbon bow and a matching thong panty

“I bet you do, but you might not see it for a long time”

He looks at me frowning but smiling “Imagine your beautiful little pregnant belly under that soft chiffon”

“No sir, besides, it's not little anymore, nothing can hide this belly these days”

He puts it back where it was with a disappointed face, but continues to inspect everything, until he finds the first bag that I brought home that I had completely forgotten about.

“When did you get this one?”

I blush feeling a little self-conscious, he takes it out and gasps, it’s a 5 pieces set for a baby girl, a short sleeve white bodysuit with blue and pink butterflies, a long sleeve pink bodysuit with an inscription - Mom’s little dreamer -, a long sleeve white pajamas with pink butterflies, and pink hat and mittens

His eyes fill with tears but he doesn't let any of them fall “When did you get it, Jean?”

“A few days after the amnio”

He looks at me in confusion "but you still didn't know the sex of the baby"

I look down to my belly and I caress it with both my hands "I had a feeling"

“It’s beautiful Jean”

I just smile and nod

After the amnio and seeing how this baby clung to life I knew I should buy something immediately, I was not sure what I was going to buy, but when I saw that set I just fell in love with it, for a moment I could see a little girl with eyes as blue as Otis's and a beautiful smile like Jakob's, and I didn't hesitate for a second to buy it. When I got home I realized that maybe I was wrong, what if it was a boy? It's not that I don't think a boy shouldn't wear pink, but everyone would look at me badly when they saw what I had bought if it turned out to be a boy, so I kept it where no one could see it and forgot about it

“I just felt the urge to buy it, but then I thought it was a mistake and I hid it, I didn't even remember that I had bought it anymore”

“This should be her first garment” he says with a smile folding it again

“No, we already chose that together" I say looking at him with denial

He moves closer to me putting the set on my lap and my hand of top of it “I know Jean, but I like this one better, and somehow it’s more special”

“Jakob, but…”

“No buts, I don’t wanna hear it, I want this one, she is your little dreamer, ours”

I look at him with a frown feeling that tears begin to form in my eyes "I'm glad I found this one first, we'll put it in the hospital suitcase at once" 

He gets up and walks to the closet where the suitcase is at the bottom, I caress the little clothes on my lap and two tears fall on top of them. I still can't believe that in less than 10 weeks we will have a baby with us. She takes advantage and kicks me somehow feeling that I'm thinking about her, a little giggle leaves my lips and Jakob looks at me curiously walking back to bed

"What’s funny?"

"That the baby is kicking, she knows we are doing something for her"

He sits next to me putting the suitcase on the floor “She’s smart, just like you” he says putting his open palm on my belly right on the spot “Hey there little princess, we are organizing some outfits that you are going to love, and with them you are going to enchant everyone, of that I am sure"

I smile shaking my head until a stronger kick takes me by surprise "wow, it looks like she's going to get out of there" Jakob says looking at me with an expression of pain that reflects mine 

"Don't even say it" I tell him, giving him back the little one piece so he can put it in the suitcase with the other things of the baby that are already there. We just need to put a towel and pajamas for me. 

"Why don't you wear these blue silk pajamas that day, it's very pretty," he says, grabbing one of the new pajamas that he had already taken out before

“Yeah, i was thinking of wearing just those, and some of the stockings Maeve gave me”

He follows my instructions and the suitcase is ready, then continues to rummage through drawers to get everything he finds for the baby, and he was right, I bought too much without even realizing it filling everything with clothes for the baby, the drawers are almost empty after he takes everything out and puts it on the bed, then we finished folding everything together

"This tutu is so adorable, with these pink leggings, a dancing princess"

I laugh out loud at his adorable kitsch, I can't believe that inside this big man there is such a huge sweet heart, I can already imagine him carrying the baby in his huge furry arms singing swiss lullabies that I won't understand but that the baby will surely adore

“You are an intelligent woman Jean, very intelligent"

"Why are you telling me that now?" I ask her as I fold a denim overalls that I will surely wear to the baby all the time

“Look at this, look around you, there are clothes that will suit our little girl until she is two years old, you didn't just buy things for newborn babies"

I look at him cocking my head and raising an eyebrow "That's not being intelligent, it's being practical, babies grow very fast and newborn clothes only fit for two weeks or a month, and with your height, well, I’m sure in a week nothing will fit her"

He laughs “Now you are exaggerating”

We both start to take outfits to the baby's room, first the smallest things that will go in the first drawer above, the rest in the bottom ones. He comes and goes several times while I organize everything as I want, so that later I have no problems searching and disorganizing everything

At the end he comes and stands next to me looking at the first drawer "In two weeks this drawer will be organized completely differently"

I look at him frowning

"When you start nesting and take everything back to the washing machine and fold it all up again changing the order"

I smile shaking my head “I hope not, but if it does, you stop me please”

He shakes his head crossing his arms with a serious expression "Oh no, I don't want to be sacrificed by the hormones of a pregnant woman"

I smack him gently on the arm smiling "Jakob"

He smiles and he draws me towards him putting his hands on the back of my waist "I love you Jean"

I cross my hands on his back leaning against his chest

"I can't wait to start this adventure with you, this baby was a scary surprise, but I'm really looking forward to having her with us"

I look up and he leans forward kissing me “You are going to be the greatest father for this little one, I can’t wait to see you holding her”

He smiles and sighs "ah, I also imagine myself carrying her, lulling her and giving her kisses on her little head, but above all, I can see you, feeding her, silencing her with kisses and loving her very much"

I sniff and squeeze him harder, leaning back on his chest "Thank you Jakob, you make me immensely happy, I love you"

He kisses me on the forehead and we both stay like this, so close to each other that we almost become one, our bodies protecting the little girl between us.


	17. Beautiful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is quite short, but I wanted to post something, I feel like it has been a long time since the last one, I hope you like it. As always comments are more than welcome

When I was finally called to do the 4D sonography, Jakob was desperate, bouncing his knee until I put my hand on his leg to stop him and he just gave me a sheepish look

“I’m the one who has to pee every five minutes, so stop it”

“It’s taking so long” he says reproachfully

“You are the one who always drags me here too early” I say crossing my arms over my belly losing patience

In each of the ultrasounds we have had it is the same story, he arrives at my house early, we have breakfast together and then he insists that we leave the house almost forty minutes before the agreed time, when the trip to the hospital takes twenty minutes, 25 maximum if traffic is slow. And then he loses his temper in a matter of 10 minutes and starts looking around blaming everyone for not attending to us in time, including me

he sighs and looks at my expression "Jean, I'm sorry, I'm just looking forward to seeing our little girl's face on video"

I don't say anything and I don't look at him trying to calm down

"Jean"

I sigh and turn to look at him hoping he continues

"I'm really sorry, don't get upset, please?"

With the last sentence he gets closer and gives me a kiss on the cheek, so close that I can smell his aftershave

A nurse comes out calling my name, so he stands first and offers his hand to help me up, he puts his hand on my lower back and whispers in my ear “Saved by the bell” I lightly hit him in the ribs with my elbow and he laughs

The doctor says we are in the last perfect week to be able to see the baby in all its splendor on video, two weeks ago she was not in the right position, but now it seems that she is, something that reassures us, because we are eager to see her before she is born.

When the video is ready and we finally see her I start crying, she’s covering her eyes with one of her hands and it’s absolutely adorable, the doctor says the wand pressing my belly may make her move but she doesn’t, so I tap my belly with two fingers and talk to her “Hey there sweetie, Mommy and daddy want to see your face, can you move your hand for me” and after just a moment she is moving her hand away and Jakob flashes me his brightest smile. And there it is the most gorgeous little face I have ever seen and a sob scape my lips and jakob leans down and kisses my forehead, he is also crying, not exactly like me, but he is happy tears.

The doctor says everything looks perfect, we both are healthy, just one more ultrasound before the birth, but check ups every two weeks to monitor heart rate and oxygenation

When we leave the hospital Otis is waiting for us outside "Otis honey, what are you doing here?"

He looks at me a little flushed and looks at the ground "I thought about coming to see the baby, but I thought you two wanted to be alone so I stayed out here"

"Honey, of course you could come in"

He says nothing and shrugs 

“Don’t worry Otis, we have the video of the baby, so we can see her again, all over and over again” jakob says with a smile

Jakob drives home, Otis in the back seat

"How was school, honey? How is Maeve?"

He clears his throat and answers “Fine and fine”

Jakob looks at me sideways with a half smile and I just shake my head, Otis is still very bad at communicating or maybe he just thinks I'm nosy

When we get home Maeve is in the driveway with another girl she hadn't seen before

"Maeve, Aimee, what's wrong?" Otis says walking ahead of us

“We waited for you after school but you just disappeared, and we have a project to finish, remember?” says Maeve with crossed arms

“Oh shit, I forgot, sorry”

“He came to the hospital with us” I say interrupting them, I know when my son actually needs some help “He didn’t mean to make you girls wait”

Both girls look at us and smile politely

“Hi Jean, this is my friend Aimee” Maeve says

“Hi, Mrs Milburn, congratulations, you look lovely” the girl says with a bright honest smile

“Please call me Jean, but come on in, are you girls hungry?”

“Oh no, we just ate some muffins I did. I’m going to be a baker, you know?”

“Oh really, that’s fantastic, you have it sorted out” I say walking inside with a smile with the girl following me

“You are having a girl, right?” she says sitting in the kitchen table next to me while Jakob get me some water

“Yes, I am”

“Oh my God, that’s so exciting. When are you due?”

“Well, I still have 10 more weeks to go”

The girl smiles “May I feel?”

Otis shrugs and Maeve gives me a nervous smile, Jakob just chuckles

“Of course sweetheart” I say with a nod

She kneels on the floor in front of me and I look at everyone’s uncomfortable faces, the baby kicks a few times and she squeals with delight

“Oh my god! Can I come and see the baby when she’s born?”

I nod “Anytime you want”

Otis clears his throat impatiently "Ok, let's go upstairs to do our homework"

Aimee nods and whispers "Bye baby" to my tummy and leaves with a smile following Otis and Maeve to the second floor

Jakob comes closer and sits on the table next to my chair “That was interesting”

I nod caressing my belly “Yeah”

He frowns, taking one of my hands and putting it on his lap with a squeeze “What?”

I just sigh "She's so effusive, she's cute, don't you think?"

He nods "Yes, it is."

"I like her name, Aimee, she's cute too"

He ponders it for a moment, perhaps repeating her name in her mind "Yes, I guess so"

I laugh "Don't worry, I'm not going to call our daughter that, it's just that I've been thinking about names that I like and others that I don't, trying to figure out if maybe they will suit our daughter, or if maybe It is a name that I can bear saying for the rest of my life, but I still think that we should wait for her to be born"

He smiles caressing my belly with his free hand “I agree”

I chuckle and jakob looks at me “I don’t know why but, I feel like I want to know more about this girl Aimee, she’s so different, I want her to know our daughter”

He smiles “I’m sure she will”

I nod finishing drinking my water “Can we see our baby again?”

“Thought you'd never ask”

He helps me stand up and we go to my office in search of the laptop to see our little girl again. And when Otis comes down later and wants to see her, the three of us will see her again, and when Ola and Elin want to see her, we will also see her with them.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> As usual, sorry about any mistakes, no beta or english full knowledge


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